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Sure sure, our friend
Bob Castrone and his
Post Show pals are just kidding around with this
Sopranos spin-off spoof
Tony, but I really wouldn't put something like this past the programming geniuses out there in Hollywood. I mean, it really is only
marginally more ridiculous than
Joey.
Casey Affleck's new blonde-tipped skunk look sure is bangin'.
Yesterday the world grieved and mourned following news of Paris Hilton's early release from LA County lock-up, but here at BWE.tv, through our shadowy network of prison operatives, we have managed to obtain the heretofore unseen footage of Paris' dramatic exit from the horrid place of her imprisonment. Please enjoy! (A little NSFW)
If you even have to think for 3 seconds as to what is the answer to the above question, well sir a. I'm personally ashamed of you, and b. Don't bother watching the following clip of the adorable
Paul Rudd sitting down with yet another one of our eternal loves,
Jon Stewart. And if the below clip ain't enough Rudd for ya,
click here to see an unrated trailer for the upcoming epic film
The Ten, which boasts the sort of comedic on-somb that had
Robert Altman been alive to see, he surely would have killed himself out of jealousy. (Both clips via
CC Insider)
- Sound like the LA County prosecutor and judge are just as pissed about Paris' emancipation as you are, and now she may have to go back to jail. Happy Friday, everyone!
- Meanwhile in other celeb drunk driver news, George Michael will not have to go to prison for his DUI. Prosecutors felt as if that would just be rewarding his bad behavior.
- Isaiah Washington has been sh*t-canned by Grey's Anatomy. That's what you get when you f*ck with the gays, people.
- Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora has entered into rehab, not for an alcohol problem, but to pick up some of the hot young chicks he heard were hanging out there these days.
- It might have taken him 35 years and countless pleas, but a retiring Bob Barker finally got those pets spayed and neutered.
So you thought you'd snuggle up to the ol' telly and watch a few shows tonight, maybe kick back from your almost-in-the-can work week, and catch a little reality TV, maybe a game show or two, did ya? Well, guess what!? Some people aren't as fortunate as you! Yeah, yeah...SOME PEOPLE are in jail! That's right, JAIL! Wait...what...she's not? She's out? Already? Ohhhh. Well that was short. In other news, here's Kristy Webb to show you the best of Thursday night TV including Fast Cars and Superstars, Are You Smarter Than A 5h Grader?, College Hill, So You Think You Can Dance?, and Pirate Master! She was not in the hole for long at all! Well, I guess we lost that office pool.
Greetings...BWE.tv's David Caplan here...Now, I won't be launching BWE.tv's dishy celeb news and gossip site for a few days or so, BUT, there are certain things I can't keep to myself -- and this tidbit is one of them: DINA LOHAN IS HEADING TO L.A. TO VISIT LINDSAY IN REHAB! Here it goes.....
Lindsay Lohan's manager-mom Dina is en route to Los Angeles, to visit Lindsay at Promises rehab in Malibu, BestWeekEver.TV has exclusively learned.
Dina's visit will mark the first visit by a family memeber, since Lindsay entered Promises last week. "First and foremost, Dina is a mother, and Lindsay and Dina can't wait to see each other," a source tells BWE.tv. "Lindsay is in a great place, emotionally and physically, and this is great for her."
The source adds that while in L.A., Dina will also play babysitter - to Lindsay's dogs! Awww….
Because of her trip, Dina will skip the Paws for Style charity event she was slated to attend in NYC on Monday.
Keep logging onto BestWeekEver.TV for continuing updates on Lindsay!
- SASQUATCH SIGHTING: The first photo of Jayden James is out, and for what it's worth, his forehead is not made out of dinosaur claws as suspected. (Faded Youth)
- NEW BABY DADDY: Speaking of Jayden, we'd like for him to meet his new baby daddy, Mommy's Drug Counselor. (MSNBC)
- TOM HANKS YOU: If the 8-hours of nightmare that is the movie JFK isn't enough for you, Tom Hanks is making a brand new JFK conspiracy theory for HBO. Gandolfini is going to make an excellent Kennedy! (Variety)
- SOMEONE PLEASE BUY AL SHARPTON A GAMEBOY: Al Sharpton finally proves he has way too much time on his hands, speaking out about Paris Hilton's early release from jail. p.s. He's outraged, nuhduh. (People)
- PUT SOME PANTS: On this dog. (Stuff on My Mutt)
Yesterday, a deranged man tried to attack
Pope Benedict XVI (i.e.
Ratzingerrr!) while he gently strolled along in his Popemobile, i.e.
Barbie Dream Jeep in Heaven. While reading about it in this morning's newspaper, something interesting caught my eye. See if you notice anything strange about the following photo of the attacker being restrained:
That man in the jester's costume? He's not a character in a Las Vegas
Cirque De Soleil show... He's not a waiter at the Vatican T.G.I. Friday's (Thank Giovanni It's Friday)... he's not even a figment of the Pope's imagination... no, he's a
Papal Swiss Guard, i.e. the Pope's bouncers.
Frankly, if these so-called
God Bouncers were really doing their job, they would be fighting the Pope's real enemy:
THE WIND.
Side-Note: What the hell ever happened to the
Pope's secretary and handsome man-about-town Georg Ganswein? Do you think they broke up?!?!
- Some dude in a wheelchair became affixed to the front of a semi-truck and was accidentally taken for a ride for more than 4 miles. He said he spilled his soda, but wasn't upset by the incident (except, you know, for the piss and sh*t all over his pants).
- I'm not sure why you'd need your taser gun to look like a tampon, but let us all hope that no one mistakenly uses it as one.
- MacTech has named the 25 Most Influential People In the Mac Community. #1 is some dude who will fight you for even mentioning that you use a PC.
- Ryan Reynolds, a movie star rich and famous for his comedic use of a fat suit, is no fan of Western Decadence.
- Pour out a bowl of Crunch Berries for Pamela Low, the creator of Cap'n Crunch cereal who just passed away at the age of 79.
You might remember a little while ago, when we brought you a clip from
Passions involving the hardest,
most extreme XXX gay sex we had ever seen on daytime television. Well just know that gay sex comes with its consequences. Such as... oh... other people finding out about it. Like your wife. Who may or may not also be a bit dense. Take this short clip for example... to a marriage counselor! Thanks
Passions!
As
Daily Variety is reporting that
Mischa Barton's next role is starring alongside lesbian Russian pop duo
t.A.T.u. in a film loosely based on their lives, we thought it might be fun to take a look back at some of the other completely idiotic movies based at least in part on a popular musician's persona. Here's what we came up with:
10. Yellow Submarine - Sorry Beatles fans, but unless you're a high school student, zonked out of your head on mushrooms, within the approximately ten-minute window of time during which your naive little mind could possibly think a story about "Blue Meanies in Pepperland" is worth two hours of your attention, this movie totally blows.
9. Pure Country -
George Strait basically plays himself, and sets out on a journey to find out what country music is all about, but fails to get arrested, spend any time in jail, take drugs or kill a man with his bare hands, so he just goes back to being the crooning puss-wad he was to begin with. The end.
8. Every Gangsta Rap Movie Ever Made That Isn't
8 Mile - With the surprising exception of the
Eminem biopic, pretty much every movie about a young rapper on the streets is just an incoherent collection of pointless violence, a love interest who's way hotter than anyone you'd ever find in the real projects, and a sh*tty soundtrack consisting of a bunch of tracks that weren't good enough to make it onto the album that made the person famous to begin with. And
Hype Williams probably directed it.
7. Can't Stop the Music -
Steve Guttenberg plays a composer who is desperate to become famous, so he enlists the help of Felipe the Indian, Randy the cowboy, David the construction worker, and several other random people from his neighborhood, then sets about on an epic adventure to save the world - with DISCO! This pseudo-biography of
The Village People is pretty much what you'd expect, but somehow even gayer. Also, fun fact: this won the very first Razzie award for Worst Picture. I have no idea why.
6. Moonwalker - This really should have been the world's first clue that
Michael Jackson was totally f*cking nuts and had no business being around children. A bizarre combination of live performance footage, video b-sides and a mind-explodingly insane short film in which Jackson battles
Joe Pesci, who is an evil drug dealer with a strange interest in children, by turning himself into some kind of giant dancing robot who gets his power from shooting stars. The funny thing is, in retrospect, this movie is probably one of the less insane things about Michael Jackson's career.
5. Spice World - This self-reflexive genre-bending look into the life of international pop phenomenon
The Spice Girls is the
8 1/2 of movies about retarded girl groups. You should all watch it.
4. Glitter - So
Mariah Carey plays this mentally-handicapped woman with epilepsy who wants to be a star and she's shiny and there's some romance and blah blah blah. Let's be honest, I've never seen this movie and I've never will. This is just what I'm guessing from the looks of the poster.
3. Cool As Ice -
Vanilla Ice plays "Johnny", a badass rapper dude on a motorcycle who comes to this small town and meets this hot-but-dorky chick who's dad is on the run from the mob or whatever. Actually contains the line, "I'm just...coolin'" which alone is worth the price of picking this bad boy out of your nearest bargain bin. In all seriousness, this is a classic.
2. KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park - Some old mad scientist type who designs creatures for an amusement park goes nuts and creats this evil animatronic
Gene Simmons, who terrorizes families and destroys the park, then must be defeated onstage by the real KISS, through the sheer power of their rockage. Even the most die-hard KISS fans seem to have trouble defending them on this one.
1. Disorderlies - Nothing short of an 80's classic, this is the
Fat Boys' one and only foray into the world of film, starring in this hilarious tale of dying millionaire whose caretakers are overweight rappers who seem to only care about eating and chicks.
Honorable Mentions: Purple Rain,
Crossroads,
Xanadu
- Between my unwavering love of the Scissor Sisters (reaffirmed by this awesome live concert available at Waves and Wires) and the six Bellinis I drank at the Webbys the other night, I'm beginning to figure things out about myself. Mostly that I really, really seriously do love football, everyone.
- If you stare at this blog page while listening to LCD Soundsystem long enough, it has the same effect as whatever happened to that dude in "The Lawnmower Man." (Music Refinery)
- My roommate and I have been planning to throw a 90s-themed party for a while, and Ingrained Refrains posting an mp3 of Salt-N-Pepa is definitely a sign that the cosmos is on our side.
- Words and Music dishes out some Thelonious Monk, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Sonny Rollins, and other artists whose names you can use to impress people even if you don't actually own/enjoy/ever listen to their music.
- Do you ever not believe something, then watch an entire video of it occurring, and you're still pretty sure it doesn't actually exist? Like, I don't know, Robert Downey Jr. recording a straightfaced, lovelorn ballad? (The Late Greats)
Yesterday, an era came to an end, as the beloved
Bob Barker, host of CBS'
The Price is Right for 35 years, taped his final episode. The episode will air on June 15 (both in the morning and during the primetime hour), and
sources say Bob was stoic throughout the endless standing ovation received, only cracking his silver fox demeanor during a press conference later in the day:
"This is a very emotional time for me. This is the first time since I was 21 years old that I didn't have a show." He declined to talk much about his immediate future, except to say, "I'm looking forward to being bored."
Which got us to thinking: What is Bob Barker going to do now? We think we have some idea. Hence, we'd like to present,
A Day in the Life of Bob Barker:
5 AM: Wake up. Take 8 mile jog.
5:15 AM: Make breakfast. 8 egg whites + cayenne pepper in blender. Drink in one shot.
5:30 AM: Go to the bathroom.
8 AM: Spend an hour reading newspaper inserts and supermarket fliers. Compare price of milk from Then to Now. Look up wistfully with single tear rolling down cheek.
9 AM: Walk around the block saying hi to neighbors. Grab the car keys out of their hand and insist they guess which giant seashell has a yellow ball underneath in order to win their keys back.
9:30-45 AM: Laugh maniacally.
10:30AM: Polish skinny microphone.
11:00 AM: Prank call
Regis.
11:30 AM: Text message favorite
Barker Beauty and asks if she misses you yet.
12:00 PM: Lunchtime! Did someone say raw steak and wheatgrass?
1:00 PM: Open comically oversized safe in basement while cranking out the
Pink Panther theme song. Count millions.
2:00 PM: Take second 8-mile jog.
2:15 PM: Have
Butler wheel out Punchboard set to work on pectorals and delts. As a reward, let butler spin the wheel and thank him with a 35 cent tip.
3:30 PM: Mini-Golf in the backyard! In Bob's house, it's Hole in One... or
Seven.
4:30 PM: Take nap on Plinko Board.
6:00 PM: Play Solitaire.
7:00 PM: Text message
Barker Beauty again. Ask why she's ignoring you
already. Call her a dumb bitch.
7:30 PM: Send third message to
Barker Beauty apologizing for your behavior. See if she'd like to come over.
8:00 PM: Wait for response.
9:00 PM: Head over to the RV parked in the driveway. Lay down on couch in fetal position holding a pillow between your arms. Cry self softly to sleep.
And repeat.
This Bud Light commercial is simple in concept, with only one joke driving it, but that doesn't make me like it any less. There's just something funny about people cursing at each other in an office environment. So go ahead and watch it and shut the f*ck up.
As our collective dream of three weeks living in a
Paris Hilton-less world was shattered this morning by the news that the heiress was released from prison after serving only 5 days of her sentence due to "medical reasons",
Entertainment Tonight is now bringing us more about the specifics surrounding her malady, and in a case of life imitating hacky headline jokes, it turns out her medical issue actually was "a rash", meaning it MIGHT be herpes. Here's the latest:
Sources close to the Hilton family tell ET the medical reason was actually a rash she developed on her body.
According to People, Paris was having trouble behind bars. "She cries all day," a source told the magazine. "She looks unwashed, she has no makeup and her hair is tangled. She cried audibly through the first two nights."
So was this mysterious skin ailment, as logic would suggest, the result of some kind of sexually-transmitted disease flare-up, or is Paris just physically allergic to not being photographed? Only time will tell...
Is it even possible to be pregnant in your ass, and if so, when is
Kim Kardashian due?
Forget all that
Pearl The Landlord bizness, this fake car dealership ad is BY FAR the funniest thing I've yet to see on
Funny or Die. I've watched this about 5 times in a row, laughing more hysterically with each viewing. Do not miss it, but be warned - the language is incredibly NSFW.
In what we are labelling "The Biggest Gyp of the 21st Century"©,
Paris Hilton was
released from jail early this morning, after serving only FIVE DAYS.
Five Days!! Remember all that 23-day sentence jazz, where she was going to suffer the indignities of crapping in a metal hole while her den mother watched? And all that talk about how we wouldn't have to hear about the heiress for nearly a month? Malarchy! How on earth is she going to shill her Jail Diary now? Maybe in pamphlet form?
And the worst part...
is she's now under house arrest. For most people, this would seem unbearable, stuck around your roomates or family in a small confined space. But for Paris, house arrest involves traipsing around your 834-room mansion while a man follows close behind with a fake tan misting gun. "Should I dine in the Hall of Mirrors or the Badminton Lounge? Maybe the Taxidermy Atrium?" she's saying aloud right now.
More news as it breaks, but just so you know, this is utter bullsh!
- Donald Trump welcomed his first grandchild into the world by saying, "I've never seen such hair on a baby in my entire life", leading his staff members to spend the next twenty minutes trying to assure The Donald that he did, in fact, have better hair than the baby.
- Harry Potter star Emma Watson says she likes boys who are into sports and speak multiple languages. She went on to say that wand size doesn't hurt either.
- Angelina Jolie said she feels most comfortable talking when she's nude, which is a coincidence, because I feel most comfortable with her talking when she's nude.
- It sounds like Pete Wentz was boning his girlfriend Ashlee Simpson in the bathroom stall of his bar. Sooooo punk rock!
- After 35 years, Bob Barker taped his final episode of The Price Is Right yesterday. Makes the tears just want to come on down.
It's sad, sometimes. Thinking about Wednesday nights with delightfully scripted shows and amazing competitions. Fortunately, Shea Hess is here to show you the best moments of Wednesday night TV on Best Night Ever for Wednesday, June 6th! It may not be American Idol but at least America is still looking for the best of something, including TV moments from: American Inventor, So You Think You Can Dance The Next Best Thing, and Tyler Perry's House of Payne!
- LIE: Dina Lohan is not a Rockette. Nor is she a Rockette Scientist. Zingles! (NY Post)
- GEHRY INTERESTING: The children of New York's wealthiest are about to get re-aw high brow, what with this new Frank Gehry inspired playground in store! Now, if only Escher had made the staircases at Dalton, we'd probably never have to see these a-holes again. (Yahoo News)
- YOU HAVE 3 CAVITIES, AND THE DENTIST ISN'T EVEN IN: Paris Hilton WAS, in fact, subjected to a full body-cavity search. We hope the officer performing the operation was wearing leaden gloves and a Knights costume. (TMZ)
- HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEAS: Nicole Richie makes an excellent Ghost Broom, wouldn't you say? Not to mention a safe driver. (D Listed)
- AKON FOR A SHAKIN': The boy thrown like a shotput at the Akon concert has been identified, which means he will not be pummeled 8 times more often on the PE field. (Poughkeepsie Journal)
This morning, we brought to you our high brow concept for
a new logo for the 2012 London Olympics. But it appears someone beat us to the genius punch, by submitting their version to the BBC's website which called for new entries... by crudely MS Painting the olympic rings inside a version of the goatse guy. Who is the goatse guy, you ask? Here's the thing: If you're asking after all this time, you really --
REALLY -- do not want to know. Because chances are, you are actually our mothers, and that is something we don't want you seeing.
If, however, you are just a naive human being who enjoys checking out pictures of stretched asses, well then by all means, Google it.
Anyway, the image was brilliantly shown on air. So kudos!
Side-note: ATTENTION EPILEPTICS! DO NOT CLICK HERE!!!
- Some dude is suing the makers of an energy drink called Boost for giving him a boner that wouldn't go away for three days. Meanwhile, his wife has placed an order for a case of Boost.
- Powdered booze will make doing cocaine a whole lot easier.
- If you live in Indonesia, sending out an "Uh oh - TSUNAMI!" text as a joke just isn't cool.
- Gas prices are now so high, that the Red Cross is trading it for HUMAN BLOOD. "No blood for oil" my ass.
- An anti-gang activist is facing criticism following a picture in which he is seen flashing a gang sign. But for some reason, no one seems to be saying anything about the ridiculous beer helmet he's wearing while doing so.
Because we have neither the intelligence nor restraint necessary to use the next three weeks as an opportunity for a much-needed break from Paris Hilton's utter dominance of our headlines, we find ourselves obsessed with surmising what, exactly, the heiress' stay in prison might be like. This clip from SuperDeluxe presents some pretty hilarious possibilites (the language is very NSFW).
In one of the
funniest sports stories I've heard in a while (big upz to
Deadspin for the tip), a man named
Gigi Becali (presumably a Mel Brooks character), owner of a Romanian soccer team and currently second in the polls to become Romania's next president, has decided that only hymns and religious music can be played in his team's home stadium in order to cut down on rowdy play and hooliganism. Says Becali:
"(I will play) only religious songs before the matches, because I'm the one who pays and this is the way I like it... I will take out the song .... 'We will rock you'. Why play that song? So the players kill each other? Whoever wants (to hear) devil's music should not come to my stadium."
Furthermore, players will be fined for having "sad faces," and will be forced to pay upwards of 30,000 euros if they come off the field looking upset. I'm not sure I need to say much more about this news, mostly because it's already such a joke, but also because I can't completely sort out all of my feelings about it. Here are three thoughts.
1) As dumb as this policy seems to me, if a U.S. politician owned a sports franchise and instituted a similar rule, and if they too had the moral defensibility of trying to cut down on fan violence and injuries, would Americans still vote for that person? Obviously Becali feels like it's helping his political cause in Romania, and I'm not so sure it would totally kill someone's chances in the U.S. either. Is that a weird thought, or maybe I'm just wrong?
2) If you pumped religious music into Lincoln Financial Field before an Eagles/Cowboys game, or into Fenway Park before a Yanks/Sox game, or into, say, a soccer stadium packed full of rowdy European soccer hooligans, don't you think the crowds would get a whole, whole lot angrier? Or am I just really out of touch with Romanian pro sports?
3) The song "We Will Rock You" equals The Devil.
What better day than one with no news to think back to a time when
Dennis Hopper ruled the world. Even when forcing himself upon
Isabella Rosellini while wearing an oxygen mask and strangling himself, as he did in
Blue Velvet, or the perfectly insane quiz popper in
Speed ("My moneyyy!"), even as King Koopa in the Super Mario Bros. movie... Dennis Hopper owns the screen.
Which is why we can't quite wrap our brains around the following commercial Hopper shot for Ameriprise. It's not like he needs the work -- he has
SEVEN movies slated to come out over the next year. And when other actors need some extra flow, they just do voiceover work (see
Gene Hackman for Loew's as an example)... they don't pluck a yellow daisy in a field and toss it away from themselves ever so daintily! Please, Hopper, save these commercials for Japan alongside
Schwarzenegger and
Gwyneth. We just want good ol' Auto-Asphyxiating Dennis back!
Our own
Dan Hopper, along with his sketch group
A Week of Kindness, was so moved by the awe-inspiring power of four friends
sexually assaulting an ottoman for no particular reason that they did a little digging and discovered the surprisingly early beginnings of this strange phenomen. Check it out!
Brooke Hogan: Do you think I should wear assless chaps made of old blue jeans?
Stylist: Yes.
Brooke Hogan: Are you sure?
Stylist: Yes.
Brooke Hogan: Awesome!
If you weren't already aware, the logo recently unveiled for the upcoming 2012 London Olympics is all aboard the hein train express, i.e.
unbecoming. Looking not unlike the
Aggro Crag trophy from the hit 90's gameshow
Nickelodeon Guts, it's a hot pink, craggy nightmare, confusing, jagged... plainly, quite ugly. Here it is, if you haven't seen it yet (you might want to cover the eyes of children and epileptics):
Accordingly, the Brits are pissed. So pissed, in fact, that
over 350,000 people have signed a petition to change the logo, and others insist the Olympic Committee should withhold the 400,000 pound fee for the job. Seeing as we could use that kind of money, and that the people picking these logos have a flair for the unsavory, we would like to contribute our own logo to the mix. So please, enjoy BWE's entry in the "
Please, God, We Need A Different Olympic Logo" Contest soon to be launched in England:
Relax...
it's some sort of cookie mixture. That, or the worst Valentine ever.
We imagine it's hard for Larry King to hold his own at CNN right now. The interviewer has recently turned 114, has been riddled with various ailments, and isn't nearly as aggressive or cutting edge as he once was. So imagine his chagrin when who should come along but
Anderson Cooper: Young, virile, silver-foxed and as sweet as the ambrosia salad on Unicorn Planet. Cooper quickly became the poster boy for CNN, while King remained firmly planet at his talk show desk with his fart fan blowing. And it appears that King has
absolutely had enough. Check out this video, where King, recorded unbeknownst to himself, expresses curiosity as to why that punk Cooper gets more screentime than he does... we're guessing
Coops never let a fart fly live on air, Larr.
You probably think you know Paula Abdul. One-time pop star. American Idol judge. Perpetually wasted pharmaceutical freak who couldn't even say her own name without uppers and a team of carefully-trained handlers. Well think again, because as this preview clip suggests, Bravo's upcoming reality show Hey Paula will undoubtedly give us a richer, more nuanced insight into who and what Paula Abdul actually is...
- John Mayer has finally tired of having sex with Jessica Simpson. Seriously, you guys. For real this time.
- Now that you've had your coffee, how about your morning Report of Paris Hilton's Jailtime Misery? Mmm-hmm.
- For the four of you who didn't see Britney Spears' vagooj the first time around, beware in your searching - your computer might get infected with the kind of virus the real thing is capable of.
- Over six months later, Britney Spears has finally arrived at the realization that Paris Hilton's friendship might not have been as purely intentioned as she'd thought.
- Is Nicole Richie pregnant, or did she just eat a raisin?
The snarky, mean British hosts continue!
America's Got Talent returns and gives us the cold hard facts: if you're gonna have a reputable reality tv competition, you must have a British man-judge there to crush the souls of poor, deluded contestants and make sure they never, ever think about doing something stupid in front of people ever again. Except for right after they get off the stage and give their post performance interview. Ignoring Simon Cowell-esque dopplegangers,
Max Silvestri is here to walk you through the best moments of Tuesday night TV from
America's Got Talent,
On The Lot,
The ALMA Awards, and
Kathy Griffin: My Life On the D List. Wait, so does that technically make The Hoff, Randy Jackson?
Check out Max and Brain Faas in:
I Like Attention
- THE MORE TO NEGLECT YOU BY, SHILOH: Brangelina plan on adopting another kid. Please, God, say he's Native American! (The Sun)
- THING TO WATCH TONIGHT: The new season of Kathy Griffin: Life on the D-List is on tonight!! We're please -- we love her. (Bravo TV)
- FAIR TRADE: Ain't this sweet? Paris Hilton can swap dirty diseases in prison! "I've got 3 herpes blisters for one staph infection!" we can hear her scream. (Drudge Report)
- SMILE: Dog licks kitten. The end. (Carroll County Times)
- HEADLINE: "Oprah Winfrey’s dad said he should have beat her more" ... ooook. (Celebitchy)
Like many of you, I will be one of the first people in line to pick up a copy of
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the final book in the series. There are so many questions to be answered, mysteries to be solved and loose ends to be tied up, but the main one being: which of the beloved characters are going to be date-raped? I would say the smart money is
Hermoine (at the hands of
Ron, naturally), but
Harry's going through a lot of pubescent changes these days, so that
Cho Chang would be wise to watch her back. This might just be our favorite
Onion News Network report yet.
- Presidential hopeful Barack Obama is warning of a "quiet riot" among American black people who have become disenfranchised with the government. Meanwhile, I'm warning of Quiet Riot, an 80's metal band that will make you want to stay up in your trailer, doing meth and drinking beers for days on end.
- Can someone tell the London Olympics people that they're supposed to be planning The Olympics, and not a rave party?
- Medical organizations are reporting a rare new form of insomnia that causes people to engage in sexual activity in their sleep, with no recollection the following morning, which is also known to me as "Saturday night".
- NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg responds to reports of a JFK terror plot by telling New Yorkers to stop being such p*ssies and freaking out about every stupid headline The Post tries to terrify them with. You hear that, terrorists? Go f*ck yourselves!.
- Some hot teen pole vaulter's parents seem to be pissed off about how hot she is.
This is all you need to know about the following clip: The boy on your right won the Spelling Bee. He also has a major attitude, and is very likely not normal. Also? He might be my personal hero. Sorry Bette Midler!
No but really, this 3 and a half minute clip needs to be turned into a full-length movie. INCREDIBLE! And our true heart goes out to the anchor who tries to be as polite as possible in the face of sheer insanity. I would have been like "Eff off... spell that, son!"
- The Anaheim Ducks held off the Ottawa Senators last night, 3-2, and are now one victory away from winning the Stanley Cup. Ducks teammates Scott and Rob Neidermayer are on the verge of the greatest accomplishment by a brothers duo since that glorious summer in fifth grade when Mario and Luigi finally beat "Mario 3" without warping.
- Coney Island's minor-league Brooklyn Cyclones played baseball for 24 straight hours against a rotating array of opponents, including sideshow freaks, circus clowns, and a group of tee-ballers. The bizarre charity event was concocted after the team's original idea - "play baseball with Mo Vaughn" - was deemed too unsettling for New Yorkers.
- Tour de France commissioner Christian Prudhomme publicly admitted that he cannot guarantee that this year's race will be completely drug-free. Similarly, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced that he also cannot guarantee that the upcoming football season will be completely free of players training dogs to fight each another.
- Continuing Alex Rodriguez Headline-Gate, ESPN's Page 2 compiles an amusing collection of some of A-Rod's past New York Post covers. I personally think the article would have been funnier if they'd Photoshopped joke covers instead of just using a bunch of real ones.
- Finally, in a rare clash of music and sports that I guess I'm obligated to cover, this person is claiming that Win Butler from Arcade Fire stole his basketball at a gym. Presumably, the pickup game involved 15 people playing at once and devolved into guys pounding drumsticks onto each others' helmets. (via Gorilla vs Bear)
For many years, we found
Jenna Elfman to be charming, witty and overall adorable. Was
Dharma & Greg our favorite show? Not really. Is
Can't Hardly Wait the "Best Movie of the 90's"? Clearly. The point it, Elfman had a sparkling screen presence that made us think we could be best friends.
The the whole "baby raping" incident went down. If you're unfamiliar, Elfman, a devout scientologist, approached a guy wearing a t-shirt proclaiming the culty religion to be "Gay... Very Gay" in a parking lot and
let loose a stream of brainwashed obscenities that would make even
Redd Foxx blush! (Unnecessary Redd Foxx reference? Check.) Ever since, we've been a little afraid of the blonde actress... and the following
Funny or Die video isn't helping things. Elfman, on a basketball court, FULLY PREGNANT, sh*t-talking the other players. On the one hand, we love that she's buds with
Ferrell and the gang, and that she has a good sense of humor about herself. On the other hand, we just sh*t ourselves. Funny or Die has never rang truer.
LonelyFallon32
