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Pay attention to this British puss-face. She is about to invade America to do nothing but shop, wear tight clothes, whorish make up and have her photo taken. She is also my next-door-neighbor.
Awesome. Random. Image from nature? Today's comes from the coolest place in the US. Yosemite Valley, of course! And no, celebrities don't live there.
See the rest of today's pics, after the jump!
Michelle Collins forgot this photo from the Sex and the City premiere. I love those lollipops. So frutilicious!
Oh you're so glam, Kate Hudson. I loved dying my hair blue and purple when I was SEVENTEEN. My mother really loved that phase.
The dollar bills that were origami-ed to look like turbans were really cool. But defacing Lincoln to make him look like Mario is a lot cooler.
There are a lot of uncertainties in this world. But one thing is for sure, we can always count on Mariah to wear the proper sporting attire. With her 4 inch heels.
And finally, this moving art has some really significant meaning about markets, and the US and things like that. But I think this is the real Magic School Bus. I bet it can travel through space too.
Melissa Rauch brings you the Best Day Ever, for Tuesday May 27th!
FATHERLY ADVICE: Michael Lohan thinks you're a total idiot if you didn't already realize his daughter Lindsay and that DJ girl are lady-lickers. (Defamer)
INFOMERCIAL: Some genius invented a new product called Listen Up, which is a personal sound amplifier that will finally help you get your naggy devilwench of wife to shut the hell up already when you're trying to watch your Coach reruns. (Videogum)
STUDY BUDDY: Just in time for Thursday's big Lost finale, some wonderful person has taken all the flash-forward sequences from the season and placed them in chronological order to help you finally figure out what the hell is going on with the whole Oceanic Six thing. (Vulture)
APPLES AND TERRORISTS: Tell us, Newsweek, what DO James van der Beek and Osama Bin Laden have in common? (Joe Mande)
BOAT TRIP: Shockingly, that guy Ray J who was in the sex tape with Kim Kardashian doesn't get busted with the classiest of drugs. (Dlisted)
Occassionally, as Blagg will attest, I'll watch a video that causes me to yell things loudly at my computer screen while absorbed ignorance of our office surroundings / human courtesy. The following "60 Minutes" clip -- which apparently first aired last year but is no less prescient today -- caused me to yell out the following sentences (edited for content):
Lower flipping expectations??? Expectations for kids now are a million times higher than they've ever been you ignorant flipper!!!Too wrapped up in themselves? You're making every farming generalization that every farming generation in the faming history of farming humanity has ever farming made, you farming motherfarmers."Extraterrestrials?" This is retarded. Fetch.
And so on:
Japan, you've done it again. With your adorable "We Are The World" tribute video, in which Japanese people impersonate American pop stars from the 80's singing an iconic anthem for charity, you have created a YouTube video of such wonder and glory that I am nearly certain in contains within it the power to end human suffering and bring eternal peace and prosperity to all the people of Earth. In fact, the Stevie Wonder impersonator alone may just be some kind of modern day Messiah. Seriously, Japan - you're the best.
See the video after the jump!
Katherine Heigl is trying to capitalize on her Grey's Anatomy success, by creating designer scrubs. Yes. Designer. Totally essential to living and the nursing profession.
This giant-ancient-ish animal is a Greater Mole Rat. You can find it in Russia. Apparently, it doesn't eat people, but I am a bit skeptic. I mean, look at those bone-crushing teeth. Or maybe they actually are used for root veggies. Hmmm.
See the rest of today's pics, after the jump!
It doesn't matter what Michael Jackson does. Someone will always find a way to spot him. Even if it requires scanning his retnas through sunglasses.
This is something you'd find in a freaky-carnival-horror movie. Or at Paul Cesewski's art collection display at a San Francisco dump. I vote for horror movie...I swear I've seen this in my nightmares.
Global warming is brought to the forefront of society by the most adorable. polar bear stuck in frozen water on a littttttlest patch of ice, ever.
And finally, Miley Cyrus besfire she started taking off her clothes!
Last week, I announced my intentions of following Oprah Winfrey's 21-Day Detox Diet. A reminder: In an effort to flush her system of toxins, Oprah was not only going Vegan, but also cutting out alcohol, sugar, caffeine and gluten, with the help of a gaggle of personal chefs and trainers and spiritual leaders. I decided that if Oprah could do it, so could I.
And now, a list of things I consumed over this Memorial Day weekend spent in Cape Cod that were not on Oprah's diet:
2 Bottles of Peen Greezh
Swordfish
Cod (har har, but 4 real)
Generous scoop of Coffee Heath Frozen Yogurt
Short ribs
Long ribs
Baby Back Ribs
Adult Front Ribs
A single tine off a plastic fork that was bit into with too much gusto
3 small slices of Brie
A touch of skim milk in my morning coffee
A gallon of whole milk
Waking up after a short nap in the backyard, staring at a half-chewed cow hoof courtesy of the family dog. (No, not directly consumed by me, but still felt wrong)
Waking up after a long nap, spooning said dog while chewing on his ear
A bowl of Extra Creamy Insta-Gluten
An edible hamburger patty bra (eaten after only 3 hours in the sun)
2 slices of Jarlsberg Cheese, melted on top of a pig head.
Strangely? I feel fantastic.
Only 14 more detox days to go!
Those of you who were disappointed by Indiana Jones this weekend might be further enraged to learn that George Lucas had actually rejected five drafts for the screenplay before finally settling on one that he liked. Yep -- the one you saw this weekend was at least the sixth attempted script, leaving us to wonder what could have possibly been in those other screenplays that got rejected... (spoiler-ish...)
If you somehow missed last weekend's new episode of Best Week Ever because were so busy memorializing America's brave WWII vets by grilling meats and binge drinking, you'll be glad to know that the entire episode is available to you now, here, completely free - because we're just rad like that. So slip your headphones on, lock the office door and hold all your calls, because we know how you'd really like to spend the first day back after a long weekend...
Oscar winning director and producer Sydney Pollack sadly passed away yesterday at the age of 73. Among his many great works, I'll always remember him as the director of "Tootsie," one of the three comedies in history to be considered an actual film by the AFI.
Michael Jackson attended an Ultimate Fighting Championship match in Vegas yesterday wearing a black burqa. This concludes your daily "Real Life Mad Libs" story.
Kim Kardashian told the press in front of Reggie Bush "I'm about two months pregnant right now and we're getting married on August 8th of 2008," but quickly added that she was joking. She then added, "I hope you don't write and speculate about that though!"
Google is claiming that Viacom's billion-dollar lawsuit against Youtube "threatens the way hundreds of millions of people legitimately exchange... artistic expression. Of very sleepy cats."
Brooke Hogan was involved in a car accident yesterday when the driver of a '97 Toyota lost control and slammed into her vehicle. Fortunately she wasn't hurt, as she is genetically immune to auto injuries.
Owwwwwwwwwwww!!!! -- After the jump:
While you were gettin' your grubby grub on,Craig Rowin was having his Best Night Ever! Get greased up for the best moments fromThe Andromeda Strain! Yum! Moments this good should be served with extra coleslaw! And relish of course!
Check out more of Craig at www.roryandcraig.com!
BRIDEZILLA: Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are now on the Japanese leg of their "Look We Just Got Married Now Give Us Some More Attention" World Tour. (Dlisted)
DREAM HOME: Brangelina plunked down a cool 60 million dollars for an estate in the South of France, though for just another 5 million dollars they could have bought all of Namibia. (E! Online)
IRONIC OUTFIT: Alanis Morissette should probably think about having her stylist killed. (JustJared)
IRONIC T-SHIRT: Could someone please buy me a "Save The Clock Tower" t-shirt as a Memorial Day present? (/Film)
ART COMMERCE: A genius artist couple started a website where they paint the various things they want, then sell the paintings for the real life cost of those things, then buy the things with the money from the paintings. Maybe if I sketch a picture of the Clock Tower t-shirt you guys could hook that up? (Wants For Sale)
Happy BBQ'ing - we'll see you guys tomorrow!
Acting With James Franco is one of my favorite regular features on FunnyOrDie, and this latest lesson on "Scene Work" is another winner. Using a classic scene from Rebel Without A Cause, James Franco tries to teach his little brother Dave the importance of sniffing jackets.
We are please to bring you this photo of Britney Spears, looking tanned, happy and relaxed at the 50th birthday party of fashionista Christan Audigier in LA this weekend.
We'll always miss the old, insane Britney, but are happy to see that she is maybe now finally getting the guidance she needs. The faster she can crank out another addictive bubble gum CD, the better. And on a Memorial Day when literally nothing else is going on, thanking God for Britney seems to make the most sense.
What you can't see in this picture: Britney's dad, Jaime, nearby... and Michael Jackson, who is apparently still alive and making public appearances.
(via INF Daily)
Remember that video of Kobe Bryant jumping the Aston Martin that everyone was all up in arms about, buying right in to whichever shoe company marketing executive had just heard of viral marketing the day before and demanded "I don't care what we do or how much it costs, I just want to make this viral stuff I keep hearing so much about!"
Long story short, Kobe is now joined by Wee Man and Chris Pontius of "Jackass" and jumps over a swimming pool full of snakes to dunk a basketball. Unless this video is intended to be an homage to the Michael Vick Powerade commercials from a few years back, I'm truly not sure why it exists:
If there's one show that I am secretly if not scarily addicted to, it is the MTV masterpiece My Super Sweet 16, where the FBAA club (Future Biggest A$$holes of America) picks a member to have a huge, million-dollar Sweet 16 Blowout Bash. I watch this show with equal parts pity, shock, and lust -- let's face it, if my parents had rolled up to my invisi-party in my brand new soon-to-be-totaled Mercedes, I probably wouldn't be judging these girls and boys so harshly. Some of you may recall my favorite episode of MSS16, where a spoiled little Miami girl snaps at her mother after receiving the wrong colored $50,000 vehicle "You ruuuuuined my liiiiiyeeeeffff!!!"
Well, for those of you who don't have the patience to sit through an entire Super Sweet 16 episode, I offer you a delightfully short, satisfying spin-off episode called My Super Sweet Funeral. There best be an LCD screen in that hot pink casket, trust.
It's funny how sons are so often prone to take up the professions of their fathers, particularly when one's father was a man who made his living by dressing up in sparkly America capes and jumping dirt bikes over enormous lines of parked vehicles. But young Robbie Knievel, son of Evel, seems to have done just that, as this past weekend he celebrated Memorial Day by jumping a motorcycle 200 feet over 24 delivery trucks, breaking his old man's record of 14 trucks back in '75, then dedicating the feat to his dad. Might I suggest trying to impress your friends at the BBQ this afternoon with your own Evel Knievel tribute, in which you drunkenly fail to jump a ten speed over your Honda Accord, fall down, light a firework, and pass out in the kiddie pool you've filled with cans of cheap beer. At least that's what I'm going to do (also, you can clearly see where my head's at right now).
The jump, after the jump!
Yep, we're posting today -- today's special Memorial Day Alarm Clock is after the jump:
Did I say special? I meant... not.
It's a very special Best Night Ever with Brian Faas taking you through TV's best meat moments in honor of Memorial Day. Enjoy the rest of your 3 day weekend!
Michael Cyril Creighton redifines giving the bird with this week's best new DVDs! Out this week: the Blu-Ray release of Short Circuit, National Treasure 2: Book Of Secrets, and Strange Wilderness!
Don't forget: There's a brand new episode of Best Week Ever on tonight at 9 PM, 11 PM and all weekend long! Make sure to check out this episode... there are some special celebrity guests...
Here's how this week treated us:
Have a great long weekend, and be sure to check back in here this Monday, as we'll actually be working!
So the staff just got back from group viewing of the new Indiana Jones movie (that's why we cut out early), and while we'll save our opinions for next week (though I will say that The Beef was USDA Prime Certified), for those of who like to read ahead and hear all the juicy plot details before seeing a movie, I'm posing a MAJOR SPOILER after the jump. HUGE! If you don't want to know the main secret of the movie, DO NOT READ FURTHER. And after you DO see the movie, come back and share your thoughts on the big SECRET!
Guys:
KNOWLEDGE WAS THEIR TREASURE.
What can one really say about the most amazing photograph ever captured in the history of the medium, of legendary Guns & Roses guitarist Slash and legendary film producer Robert Evans that can't be said by just looking at the picture?
Robert Evans is still the smoothest guy in the biz. For God's sake... he produced Jade, with David Caruso... Jade!! (Ed. Note: All kidding aside, seriously he's a legend. When your Wikipedia page describes you as a "playboy and raconteur" and goes on to state that you're best friends with Jack Nicholson, well, yeah. You're classic.)
After the jump, Robert Evans meets Albert Einstein! As Bea Arthur would say, "I'm not kidding".
If I had to describe the above photo in a mathematical equation, it would be "E=MC Hairdo".
If only Entourage could air this summer. And then I'd get to see this face every Sunday night. Oh those locks! OK. Next!
Blah, blah, American Idol. You want to talk about talent? Now this. This, is talent.
See the rest of today's pics, after the jump!
This telescope is a direct path from London to NY. Isn't it a beauty?
This is how I plan on spending my Memorial Day weekend. You know, just hangin' around. On the great cliffs of Long Island. They are stupendous.
I think it's nice to lift my personal Reporting on Lindsay Lohan Ban by posting this. Awwww. Aren't they adorable! Oh Livin' La Vida Lohan is premiering soon. I didn't know.
If you don't recall, Pixeloo takes cartoon characters, and transforms them into human portraits. Can you guess who this little guy is? Yeah, I really hope you can. For the record.
And finally, rock out with your uhh, cat out! Yeah! Happy Friday! Happy weekend! Now go light stuff on fire with some bbq lighter fluid. or something...!
In a legislative movie whose brilliance may even surpass the famed Johnnie Cochran Chewbacca Defense, R. Kelly's evil genius lawyer used the Wayans Brothers mediocri-comedy classic Little Man to illustrate how his client may not have actually appeared in the child-porn sex tape in question. As we all remember, the remarkable special effects that allowed us to suspend our disbelief that Marlon Wayans' head could realistically exist on the body of a tiny baby could also have been employed by just about any garden-variety special effects professional who had an axe to grind with R (and who at Industrial Light and Magic doesn't hate the guy?). Sayeth the defense (via /Film):
[R. Kelly’s attorney], in an attempt to suggest that Kelly’s head could have been superimposed onto somebody else’s body in the sex tape, asked [gal on witness stand] whether she had seen the Wayans brothers’ movie “Little Man.” [Attorney] said, “They put the head of Marlon Wayans on a midget and it looked real, didn’t it?” But, to widespead laughter, [gal on witness stand] replied, “Not really!”
"Not really"!?! Are you telling me that WASN'T a hilarious baby who just so happened to look like Marlon Wayans!?!? If those Hollywood video wizards are capable of such highly sophisticated forms of visual trickery, just what can we accept about the nature of our own reality? Is ANYTHING we see even real? There is no spoon, and of course R. Kelly didn't have sex with an underage girl - for all we know, that could have just been heavily manipulated video of a walrus playing volleyball with Al Roker on a trampoline.
Two questions for discussion, faithful readers:
1) How much money will Indiana Jones make over the 4-day weekend? For the record, here's a list of the biggest domestic box office openings of all time.
2) What will the subsequent "Indy's box office numbers" Variety headline be?
I'll go first:
1) $128.3 million, third highest in history
2) "Indy whips competition at box office"
"Indy hates snakes, loves rakes-ing it in"
"This ain't no Indie movie"
"Audiences not Shy-a about movie spending"
"Boulder of moviegoers slams into box office, crushing it with money"
"Moviegoers honor fallen American soldiers by going to see new Indiana Jones movie"
"More like Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Box Office, is what it's like, because it made so much money!"
Your turn -- leave your box office predictions and punny headlines in the comments!
[For the record, Blagg predicts a record $160 million, and "Indiana Jones discovers treasure at box office"]
You like it how I work my spine
Got you feeling all hypnotized (hypnotized)
I gotta body like a CL5
Make a **** wanna test drive but I'm so on fire
Flyer than a pelican find another
Chick better than I don't see her
Cause my swag is serious
Strum me like a guitar blow out my amplifier
When you hear some feedback keep going take it higher
Crank it up give it to me come on
Crank it up give it to me come on
I'm gonna feedback, feedback, oh
Feedback, feedback, oh
Listen for yourself (2:35).
Also: WTF???
We're pretty much at the point now where oft-troubled stars are required to redeem themselves in the public image by parodying themselves on network tv, but what started with events like Hugh Grant appearing on "Leno" to talk about soliciting sex and Bob Dole making a couple simple wisecracks at himself on "SNL" has mutated into this bizarre publicity quest for whatever the hell celebrity did whatever the hell wrong and wants to appear on whatever the hell show that needs whatever the hell short-term ratings boost.
The next thing you know, here's Naomi Campbell playing charity softball in an episode of Ugly Betty. I sure am convinced now -- maybe she's not a terrible, dangerous human being! Can someone give Amy Winehouse the number for Grey's?
In a particularly extravagant mood at the "Che" afterparty, Sean "Diddy" Combs foregoes a round of Cristal and just orders a child for his booth.
Miley Cyrus took yet even more sizzling PG-13 pictures of her Magic Kingdom, which have inevitably found their way onto the Internet. A Jonas Brother was also somehow involved in Miley's latest Tweeny McJunior Scandal.
If Diddy's yacht is suddenly set on fire and sinks into the ocean, there's a better than average chance that it had something to do with Naomi Campbell.
Things aren't looking great for R. Kelly, as prosecutors have begun trotting out a number of friends and family members who are positively identifying him and the underage girl in the sex video. Though "Trapped In A Man-Rapist Named Thermos' Prison Cell" should make for an interesting song.
John McCain went on Ellen's show to reiterate his belief that he thinks she has less rights as a human being than the rest of us.
After the jump, today’s BWE Alarm Clock!
While you were still mouring over last night's American Idol results (David Archuleta fans) Leslie Collins was having her Best Night Ever! Get ready to Cook up some of the best moments from Thursday night television including So You Think You Can Dance, Ugly Betty, and Grey's Anatomy! Ok, ok we know that it's hard to let little David go (we weren't biased to begin with) but look on the bright side, now everyone can put aside their differences and fianlly watch TV with their fellow man David and Davids alike. Now if only those Democratic candidates could do the same thing!
Jessica St. Clair wraps up Thursday, May 22nd - the Best Day Ever!
TELL IT LIKE IT IS: "Asked for comment, [Michelle] Tractenberg's publicist, Jessica Kolstad, said, 'I don't know how you live with yourself.'" (Page Six)
SLEEVE HIM ALONE: Thomas Dekker, aka Hilarious Terminator, pulling some American Gladiator sh*t right there. (Just Jared)
BEST BUY DANCE PARTY: Here is a really fun looking Best Buy Dance Party, obviously ruined by one of the Geek Squad A-Holes. (OrbitCast)
RELIEF: AI's David Archuleta is grateful that an entire season of parental abuse has finally come to a close. (People)
I'M IN THE MONEY: This is so convenient: On the very same day I decide to join Oprah and go Vegan, someone on Craigslist is looking for an out-of-shape female writer! Does crystal meth count as "diet pills"? (Gawker)
Following yesterday's post, what's turning out to be THE question of the week around here is whether TV talking head Tim Russert passed gas on MSNBC in the midst of some boring point he was making about his show Meet The Press, or if the unmistakable fart-like sound could actually have been caused by some sort of animal-like grunt of ecstasy made by one of his fellow panelists off-screen. We've played and re-played the clip, Zapruder-style, for two days now and our expert sound people have determined that's it is our official position that Russert indeed ripped a fart on television. Besides, it's what we want to believe in our hearts. Re-watch the clip and make your own opinion known in the poll below (right now "Yes it was a fart" is running neck-and-neck with "I'm not sure if it was a fart, but it was funny"). Also, Digg the original so America's voices can be heard about this vital matter!
Why is Martha Stewart making Nickelodeon Gak? And why is she wearing the teeth of a Lord of the Rings orc and talking like an autistic Sylvester?? And why is the kid Lyle Lovett??? What the hell is going on????
This is news to me. Apparently there is a law in Japan, that regulates your photo-taking stance. Crazy, I know. But some cultures are just different. This position. is the optimum for battling other tourists. I believe so.
David Archeletta. Look closely. Because this is your fate. Constantine Maroulisalmost became an American Idol, instead, he enjoys tanning and silk suits.
See the rest of today's pics, after the jump!
It must have been really nice for Britney Spears to go away and relax. It must have been even nicer to have her top 100 paparazzi following her every move, the minute she got home. Spring is so great!
I'm glad Carrie Underwood is an American Idol. With that being said, there is no reason for her to wear a white blazer-dress with nonsense hanging off of it. The public loves you already. You don't have to dazzle them any longer. I promise
One day, I aspire to create copy such as this story created around this particular hat compliments of the real J. Peterman. Dated reference? Yes. But that doesn't make it any less awesome. Or stop many Seinfeld scenes from playing out in my head.
I have said before that my new fav website is the unfortunate photo/blog of Kim Kardashian. But nothing. Compares to the post she wrote around this photo. It almost has nothing to do with one another. Which is why I have to share it with you. You, in particular.
And finally, what you have all been waiting for. The one [two] the only [duo] The Drunk Hamsters! It's Thursday, go get drunk yourself. Almost a long weekenddddd. And now I'm going to stop. Now.
Beginning this past Sunday, and last for 21 days, Talk Show Host and National Deity Oprah Winfrey will be taking part in a 21-Day Vegan Detox, where she will swear off of animal products, and caffeine, sugar, gluten and alcohol from entering her diet. Quite a challenge. But of course, Oprah will not be doing this alone: She's enlisted the help of some of her co-workers, and has the help of a personal chef to concoct various invisi-meals that will somehow taste delicious.
And while the idea at first seems ludicrous, the more I listened to Oprah, the more it made sense. "This 21-day cleanse gives me a chance to think about [eating] differently and see what my attachments are to certain kinds of foods – and what I'm willing to do to change." She says. "Willing to do for change..." my brain echoed. "Don't know if I'm going to feel better or worse," she continues "but I'm willing to try to see if my body at least feels differently." "Body"... "Feels"... "Differently" My Subway 6-inch turkey sub mouthed back to me.
Now, it's been many years since I've taken part in a "fad" diet (and, dare I say, you could probably tell.) Back in my early 20s, and before Dr. Atkins cracked his head open on a sidewalk, I decided to give the ol' SOB's carb-free diet a try. There I was at the supermarket, arms laden with hot dogs and whipped cream, getting sideways looks from the cashier who clearly assumed I was some sort of stripper-for-hire. I stuck to the diet for about 3 weeks, until I found a COW HAIR in my whipped cream.
But reading Oprah's story, I couldn't help but feel inspired. 3 weeks without, basically, eating anything!! I could do it, with Oprah's help. And so, here I am, a girl with a mission: To Detox With Oprah.
Oprah clearly has a major advantage in this situation: A personal chef, millions of fans who love her, enough money to have 18 Scrooge McDuck pools of gold coins. Perusing her diet's personal menus, there appear to only be a handful of things I am even capable of making myself. Those things include: Ready-Made Gardenburgers, and a block of tofu with some pepper on it. "Artichoke and Oyster Mushroom Rockefeller with side salad and corn chowder"? Let's just call a cucumber-brown rice sushi roll marathon what it is, Ope... delicious.
After the jump... I outline my plan. Can I do it? The answer: Probs no. Now, some things I should mention. Oprah actually started her diet on Sunday, meaning I'm 5 days behind schedule already. (As Cathy would say "Argh!") But it's not too late!! I still have 16 days to detox, which I think might just be enough to get my liver in working order again. And one of my closest friends is to be married in two weeks time. Given my role as "life of the party", I can't imagine I won't have a glass of champagne or magnum, so consider 6/7/8 an appropriately titled date for me eating whatever I like, and also being hilarious and drunk albeit ladylike and charming.
So, my goal: Beginning today (and not counting the milk I had in my coffee this morning), 14 Days of Vegan Living with Oprah. I, of course, will be blogging my journey for all of you to read.
Now, the real question: Will there be Vegan/Gluten-Free options at the Yankee Game I'm going to tonight? Will staring at Alex Rodriguez inspire me to crave caramel apples? I shall report tomorrow.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo......................
"It didn't feel good! It felt gross!" This kid is defensive in his own PSA!!!
In other news, I just shot myself in the face.
(via eatfreecake)
Occassionally, as Blagg will attest, I'll watch a video that causes me to yell things loudly at my computer screen while absorbed ignorance of our office surroundings / human courtesy. The following "60 Minutes" clip -- which apparently first aired last year but is no less prescient today -- caused me to yell out the following sentences (edited for content):
Lower flipping expectations??? Expectations for kids now are a million times higher than they've ever been you ignorant flipper!!!
Too wrapped up in themselves? You're making every farming generalization that every farming generation in the faming history of farming humanity has ever farming made, you farming motherfarmers.
"Extraterrestrials?" This is retarded. Fetch.
And so on:
Japan, you've done it again. With your adorable "We Are The World" tribute video, in which Japanese people impersonate American pop stars from the 80's singing an iconic anthem for charity, you have created a YouTube video of such wonder and glory that I am nearly certain in contains within it the power to end human suffering and bring eternal peace and prosperity to all the people of Earth. In fact, the Stevie Wonder impersonator alone may just be some kind of modern day Messiah. Seriously, Japan - you're the best.
See the video after the jump!
Last week, I announced my intentions of following Oprah Winfrey's 21-Day Detox Diet. A reminder: In an effort to flush her system of toxins, Oprah was not only going Vegan, but also cutting out alcohol, sugar, caffeine and gluten, with the help of a gaggle of personal chefs and trainers and spiritual leaders. I decided that if Oprah could do it, so could I.
And now, a list of things I consumed over this Memorial Day weekend spent in Cape Cod that were not on Oprah's diet:
Remember that video of Kobe Bryant jumping the Aston Martin that everyone was all up in arms about, buying right in to whichever shoe company marketing executive had just heard of viral marketing the day before and demanded "I don't care what we do or how much it costs, I just want to make this viral stuff I keep hearing so much about!"
Long story short, Kobe is now joined by Wee Man and Chris Pontius of "Jackass" and jumps over a swimming pool full of snakes to dunk a basketball. Unless this video is intended to be an homage to the Michael Vick Powerade commercials from a few years back, I'm truly not sure why it exists:
If there's one show that I am secretly if not scarily addicted to, it is the MTV masterpiece My Super Sweet 16, where the FBAA club (Future Biggest A$$holes of America) picks a member to have a huge, million-dollar Sweet 16 Blowout Bash. I watch this show with equal parts pity, shock, and lust -- let's face it, if my parents had rolled up to my invisi-party in my brand new soon-to-be-totaled Mercedes, I probably wouldn't be judging these girls and boys so harshly. Some of you may recall my favorite episode of MSS16, where a spoiled little Miami girl snaps at her mother after receiving the wrong colored $50,000 vehicle "You ruuuuuined my liiiiiyeeeeffff!!!"
Well, for those of you who don't have the patience to sit through an entire Super Sweet 16 episode, I offer you a delightfully short, satisfying spin-off episode called My Super Sweet Funeral. There best be an LCD screen in that hot pink casket, trust.
It's funny how sons are so often prone to take up the professions of their fathers, particularly when one's father was a man who made his living by dressing up in sparkly America capes and jumping dirt bikes over enormous lines of parked vehicles. But young Robbie Knievel, son of Evel, seems to have done just that, as this past weekend he celebrated Memorial Day by jumping a motorcycle 200 feet over 24 delivery trucks, breaking his old man's record of 14 trucks back in '75, then dedicating the feat to his dad. Might I suggest trying to impress your friends at the BBQ this afternoon with your own Evel Knievel tribute, in which you drunkenly fail to jump a ten speed over your Honda Accord, fall down, light a firework, and pass out in the kiddie pool you've filled with cans of cheap beer. At least that's what I'm going to do (also, you can clearly see where my head's at right now).
The jump, after the jump!
Did I say special? I meant... not.
Don't forget: There's a brand new episode of Best Week Ever on tonight at 9 PM, 11 PM and all weekend long! Make sure to check out this episode... there are some special celebrity guests...
Here's how this week treated us:
In a legislative movie whose brilliance may even surpass the famed Johnnie Cochran Chewbacca Defense, R. Kelly's evil genius lawyer used the Wayans Brothers mediocri-comedy classic Little Man to illustrate how his client may not have actually appeared in the child-porn sex tape in question. As we all remember, the remarkable special effects that allowed us to suspend our disbelief that Marlon Wayans' head could realistically exist on the body of a tiny baby could also have been employed by just about any garden-variety special effects professional who had an axe to grind with R (and who at Industrial Light and Magic doesn't hate the guy?). Sayeth the defense (via /Film):
Two questions for discussion, faithful readers:
1) How much money will Indiana Jones make over the 4-day weekend? For the record, here's a list of the biggest domestic box office openings of all time.
2) What will the subsequent "Indy's box office numbers" Variety headline be?
I'll go first:
1) $128.3 million, third highest in history
2) "Indy whips competition at box office"
"Indy hates snakes, loves rakes-ing it in"
"This ain't no Indie movie"
"Audiences not Shy-a about movie spending"
"Boulder of moviegoers slams into box office, crushing it with money"
"Moviegoers honor fallen American soldiers by going to see new Indiana Jones movie"
"More like Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Box Office, is what it's like, because it made so much money!"
Your turn -- leave your box office predictions and punny headlines in the comments!
[For the record, Blagg predicts a record $160 million, and "Indiana Jones discovers treasure at box office"]
You like it how I work my spine
Got you feeling all hypnotized (hypnotized)
I gotta body like a CL5
Make a **** wanna test drive but I'm so on fire
Flyer than a pelican find another
Chick better than I don't see her
Cause my swag is serious
We're pretty much at the point now where oft-troubled stars are required to redeem themselves in the public image by parodying themselves on network tv, but what started with events like Hugh Grant appearing on "Leno" to talk about soliciting sex and Bob Dole making a couple simple wisecracks at himself on "SNL" has mutated into this bizarre publicity quest for whatever the hell celebrity did whatever the hell wrong and wants to appear on whatever the hell show that needs whatever the hell short-term ratings boost.
The next thing you know, here's Naomi Campbell playing charity softball in an episode of Ugly Betty. I sure am convinced now -- maybe she's not a terrible, dangerous human being! Can someone give Amy Winehouse the number for Grey's?
Beginning this past Sunday, and last for 21 days, Talk Show Host and National Deity Oprah Winfrey will be taking part in a 21-Day Vegan Detox, where she will swear off of animal products, and caffeine, sugar, gluten and alcohol from entering her diet. Quite a challenge. But of course, Oprah will not be doing this alone: She's enlisted the help of some of her co-workers, and has the help of a personal chef to concoct various invisi-meals that will somehow taste delicious.
And while the idea at first seems ludicrous, the more I listened to Oprah, the more it made sense. "This 21-day cleanse gives me a chance to think about [eating] differently and see what my attachments are to certain kinds of foods – and what I'm willing to do to change." She says. "Willing to do for change..." my brain echoed. "Don't know if I'm going to feel better or worse," she continues "but I'm willing to try to see if my body at least feels differently." "Body"... "Feels"... "Differently" My Subway 6-inch turkey sub mouthed back to me.
Now, it's been many years since I've taken part in a "fad" diet (and, dare I say, you could probably tell.) Back in my early 20s, and before Dr. Atkins cracked his head open on a sidewalk, I decided to give the ol' SOB's carb-free diet a try. There I was at the supermarket, arms laden with hot dogs and whipped cream, getting sideways looks from the cashier who clearly assumed I was some sort of stripper-for-hire. I stuck to the diet for about 3 weeks, until I found a COW HAIR in my whipped cream.
But reading Oprah's story, I couldn't help but feel inspired. 3 weeks without, basically, eating anything!! I could do it, with Oprah's help. And so, here I am, a girl with a mission: To Detox With Oprah.
Oprah clearly has a major advantage in this situation: A personal chef, millions of fans who love her, enough money to have 18 Scrooge McDuck pools of gold coins. Perusing her diet's personal menus, there appear to only be a handful of things I am even capable of making myself. Those things include: Ready-Made Gardenburgers, and a block of tofu with some pepper on it. "Artichoke and Oyster Mushroom Rockefeller with side salad and corn chowder"? Let's just call a cucumber-brown rice sushi roll marathon what it is, Ope... delicious.
After the jump... I outline my plan. Can I do it? The answer: Probs no.
Now, some things I should mention. Oprah actually started her diet on Sunday, meaning I'm 5 days behind schedule already. (As Cathy would say "Argh!") But it's not too late!! I still have 16 days to detox, which I think might just be enough to get my liver in working order again. And one of my closest friends is to be married in two weeks time. Given my role as "life of the party", I can't imagine I won't have a glass of champagne or magnum, so consider 6/7/8 an appropriately titled date for me eating whatever I like, and also being hilarious and drunk albeit ladylike and charming.
So, my goal: Beginning today (and not counting the milk I had in my coffee this morning), 14 Days of Vegan Living with Oprah. I, of course, will be blogging my journey for all of you to read.
Now, the real question: Will there be Vegan/Gluten-Free options at the Yankee Game I'm going to tonight? Will staring at Alex Rodriguez inspire me to crave caramel apples? I shall report tomorrow.
