Hollywood Junket Queen: EP 9: 'Hancock'

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Hello Legally Blonde watchers. Welcome back to the Pink House. If you're still with me, it means you've fallen under the same unlikely spell as I have and you've suddenly found yourself giving a crap what happens to these overblown homecoming queens. I know, it's unsettling. But just hang in there a few more weeks and this will all be over with. (And then you know you'll be back to obsessing over the losers on The Hills. Btw, Team Heidi 100%. Get over yourself, Lauren! As Michael Stipe said, "Everybody hurts sometimes.") So this week, we've got some things to look forward to. Natalie steps into the spotlight, Emma is forced off her high horse, and Autumn blows chunks. It's about time these ladies went full tilt boogie.

Hey guys! My buddy Lowell and I shot this video of a sketch we did this Fall and I thought you might like it. Enjoy!

This IS my day job

Comedy Central has teamed up with Sony Pictures Television and Happy Madison Productions to bring you back the Gong Show with Dave Attell. I know a lot of game show remakes have not been good in the past, but I think this will be the one to watch. The Gong Show with Dave Attell will have 7 to 10 acts and then of course they will judged by a panel of celebrity judges (just like the old days). Except now you will get to see the likes of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, Brian Posehn, Steve Schirripa...and many more bagging on the contestants.

If anything watch the show for Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and Dave Attell. It's about time Dave got back on TV.

Check it out on Comedy Central starting July 17th!

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry are trying to get The Baby Borrowers on NBC canceled. The president of the academy, Robert Hendren, said, "A child's sense of security should not be gambled with"

I agree Robert, but anything for good television, right?

As if the humiliating (and really, it should also be rather humbling) experience of being the first "stylestant" axed from Season Two of Shear Genius wasn't bad enough for Mr. Oshun (of the Motion Lotion Potion), I discovered his awesome exit interviews on BravoTV.com are filled with incredulity, incoherence, and a big side-order of incompetence...

"It's not faaaaaaaaaaaair!"

...mix in a generous portion of self-delusion (he truly is Cleopatra, Queen of Denial) and you won't believe some of the amazing and magical things he said about his being ousted first! See my (attempt) at transcription after the jump.

This weekend I saw two grown men (sort of) down entire shot glasses full of M&Ms, followed by a solid five minutes of regretful chewing. It was awesome. And it was at a wedding. Clearly, you can see how this relates to The Mole. This week, we learned that people can pretty much argue about anything for extended lengths of time, and that for some reason this will be considered entertainment. So apologies if this week's recap seems a little short. There's only so much comedy you can squeeze out of a bunch of people standing around and discussing shit for twenty minutes.

"Graham, Graham, wherefore art thou Graham?"

Tonight on The Bachelorette DeAnna goes on three nearly identical dates in the Bahamas. The guys can DEFINITELY see themselves falling in love with DeAnna and she can DEFINITELY see herself spending the rest of her life with each of them. It's a Fantasy Overnight Three-peat to remember!

I heart high waist jeans

Bruce Lee's family mansion in Hong Kong may turn into a museum celebrating Bruce. The owner, Yu Panglin, bought the home in the 1960s for $190,000 US and had plans to sell the home, but has since changed his mind. He's been offered $105 million in the past for the mansion, but said, "I will consider the views of the community and different parties. I may consider donating the property if the majority thinks we should preserve it."

Preserve it Yu, it's Bruce Lee numb nuts!!!

OK, so we're in Las Vegas to whittle the first group of 438 semi-finalists down to a more manageable 10. Five of them will come from tonight's show, the other four will be chosen next week during another two hour, eighteen Applebee's commercial episode. Host Bill Bellamy describes tonight's program as "an international battle like we've never seen before" which, for some reason, makes me think of "Street Fighter II". I'm pretty sure Chun Li is more entertaining than some of these people, with or without the pigtails. Bill Bell comes onstage with a group of feather-and-wing wearing dancers and I'm immediately disappointed that he's not rocking the same costume. He is, however, wearing a jacket made of aluminum foil.

He launches into some jokes about Joan Rivers being old and Barry Manilow having plastic surgery and it has to be hard for the host to realize that he couldn't make it on his own show. Tonight's judges are perpetually sunglassed Richard "Law Hearts Order" Belzer (who gets a standing ovation, probably for not coughing a lung out onto the audience) and Steve "I Was Never Invited to Pose on the DVD Box" Shirripa from The Sopranos.

***Letter from the Editor: You guys have sent us letters asking for Shear Genius recaps, and we have found the perfect writer for you. Please welcome to newest member to the TVgasm family, J-MO!!! HOLLA!

Now that Top Chef is finished for another season, and we're waiting for another season of Project Runway to begin, the good people at Bravo! have brought back another season of the hair-stylists edition of competitive reality TV... Shear Genius (volume two!). I personally think they could have come up with a more wacky name for it, like A-Hair-ican Idol, or So You Think You Can Style?, or Flow-Bee Madness... but at any rate, I was glued to the TV last Wednesday night as we hear Ms. Jaclyn Smith introduce us to the new season that will have 12 stylists compete in 20 challenges that will "put their abilities to the ultimate hair test!" in the hopes of winning $100,000.00 from Nexxus Hair-Care Products (ooh!)... an apprenticeship with Nexxus (ahh!)... the opportunity to style hair for an Allure photo shoot (ohh!)... and the title... of SHEAR GENIUS (murmur murmur!)...

She got off easy. She pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct, and got sentenced to two half-day sessions in rehab and a $95.00 fine. My traffic violation for crossing double-yellows has cost me more time and money. I should consider crack for economical reasons.

Wanna sip on Lil' Wayne's Champagne? You can this fall...because endorsing alcohol is the trendy thing to do. Lil' Wayne doesn't roll Sean "Diddy" Combs vodka style, he likes the bubbly. His new "business venture" is Halo Champagne. The rich rapper said, "I'm ready to put my foot in a new door. There are so many different business opportunities; I want to take advantage of it all."

I wouldn't put this picture on your bubbly label...just a suggestion:

Okay, so I admit that I was one of 10 million people to watch ABC's Wipeout last night. I told myself I wouldn't watch before the series started because I thought it was going to be JUST another game show. I turned it on last night and laughed my ass off the whole time. I don't know what it is about people falling that's so funny. I don't know what was funnier, the sucker punch wall, the big red balls, or the sweeper. I was crying laughing. So that goes without saying, that Wipeout has won me over and I totally "get it" now. It's like Double-Dare on crack. Love it.

I love that Angelina's birth has become so big that the hospital feels the need to have a press conference like a football game. Dr. Michael Sussman, Angelina's obstetrician (the coach), said, "I can't give you a date. Let's say the birth will happen in the weeks to come." There you have it, no twins yet, so carry on...

Pay Me Bitches

Say it ain't so, Brenda Walsh maybe be back on 90210. This is so exciting! Shannen Doherty is in formal talks to reprise her role on the spin-off. The catch: she won't make any commitment unless they offer her more money and she wants to be assured that she knows her story line before saying yes. I wonder what Tori and Jennie are going to think about this? Who cares, Brenda Walsh may be back bitches!

This is amazing! The BBC Three in Great Britain is doing Britain's Missing Top Model where they follow eight disabled hopefuls trying to prove they have what it takes to make it as a mainstream fashion model. The show will have the eight hopefuls pack into a Chelsea penthouse, and just like America's Next Top Model, they'll have a series of challenges until they narrow it down to find Britain's Missing Top Model.

All the girls in the house are disabled. One is born without a left forearm, one is deaf, another is missing most of her right arm, and one is partially paralyzed. The winner of Britain's Missing Top Model gets a spread in the British edition of Marie Claire magazine. It starts tonight on the BBC Three, it's too bad I don't get that channel in my apartment. Boo...but Good Luck my disabled models!

The year's most loved robot is back, with an all new season! All new twists! And an all new operating system! Chenbot GX! Coincidentally Chenbot is being launched just a few days after the new iPhone, I smell a robotic-arms-race! The all new season of Big Brother is less than two weeks away. No one is more excited than I am, even if I was snubbed from being on this season - Robyn Kass I'm talking to YOU! But I have high hopes that this season will be a rockin good one. See you back here along with Schoonie, Flipit and FozzieBare on JULY 13th for the greatest thing to happen to Summer since central air! Nick the Intern

White wine makes me mean

James Gostelow, the fan that Amy Winehouse hit in the front row at the Glastonbury Festival in England has come forward. He says he has no hard feelings and in fact it was an honor to be hit by her. First of all, Hilarious!

He told the BBC News, "She did a great act...Not everyone can say they have been hit by Amy Winehouse...I saw a hat being thrown from behind me, and it hit Amy's beehive...She looked down, saw me looking up, and her elbow went for me. She caught my forehead, then someone may have shouted something from the back, which is when she went in again."

And there you have James Gostelow's 15 mintues of Fame... "I was hit by Amy Winehouse, and I liked it"

Angelina Jolie has checked into the Lenval Hospital in Nice to give birth! The hospital spokeswoman, Nadine Bauer (nice first name hehe) said that Angelina is fine and everything is going well! What does that mean? Did she deliver yet or didn't she? This is exciting! What a big week for Angelina...$51 million in the box office and now twins! yay. Congrats all around.

Hey Gasmii, I've got to start off this week with a question - anyone else out there upset that Brittany got dissed by Tila? I mean, if there was anyone in this house who seemed like a somewhat normal person, it was Brittany. That being said, we all know this show is about Tila's vanity as opposed to her finding someone she can actually relate to, and so I hope you'll all relish in the fact that during this A SHOT AT LOVE II: WITH TILA TEQUILA reunion special, our girl gets some from Sirbrina, the hottest piece of dyke ass this side of Portia De Rossi (and an unintentional icon in the lesbian community?).

You get you some grrrrrrl.

This week on Living Lohan, I MISS NANAHAN!

I fear for you, Nanahan! Stop slutting around and get your raisin to Vegas!

Dear Crabby,
It's summertime. Where can I find my fix of obnoxious teens, fretful parents, and teething babies (followed by toddlers, pre-teens, teens, and finally the bain of every driver's existence, the elderly)?
-Couch Ass Groove

Dear Couch,
Check out Baby Borrowers on Wednesday nights, where all of that is rolled into one delicious hour!

Pamela Anderson has become the Mother Teresa for animals. She graciously just auctioned off her 2000 Dodge Viper for $65,000 as a donation to PETA to run an anti-snake slaughter campaign. Her Viper was made out of metal, so at least it was faux. That Pamela is consistent, isn't she?

Despite the letter SAG sent out today, there still is no contract between the studios and SAG. I hope another strike doesn't happen, as the writer's strike cost the California economy over $2 billion. SAG did say that there are no plans for a strike. FIngers crossed!

*Update: The AMPTP made it's final offer and they're going to meet with guild reps this Wednesday to explain the offer. However, they will not entertain any counters. SAG is preparing a response to their offer.

It's elimination time once again on America's "number once dance show" (according to Nigel - "suck it ABDC!")... it's So You Think You Can Dance!

The opening number is to "The Dance" by Charlotte Martin. It definitely looks a little freaky... like I wouldn't want to meet these people on the street - it looks like...

Heidi wants to be a Christian Music Star! She told USATODAY that she hopes to release a Christian album one day and has even thought of being a missionary in Africa. She told USATODAY, "I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God." I was throwing up on myself when I was 2, is that a considered a connection?

I wonder what the man upstairs thinks of Higher?

I just got a letter from SAG stating that they're negotiating, and to report to work past the contract expiration date.

Here is the first half of the letter:

June 30, 2008

Dear Screen Actors Guild Member:

Your national negotiating committee and the industry bargained throughout the weekend and are continuing bargaining today. Nonetheless, the Screen Actors Guild Codified Basic and Television Agreements which cover television programs and motion pictures expire tonight at midnight. All members should continue to report to work and to audition for new work past the expiration date until further notice from the Guild. Such work will be covered under the terms of the expired television and theatrical agreements.

Ex- Idol, Kristy Lee Cook just signed a record deal with 19 Recordings/Arista Nashville. Her album is set to drop this fall with her first single 15 Minutes of Shame (released August 11). I get that she's got a country voice, but if she's expecting Carrie Underwood fame, she's going to have to put out a sex tape or use something other than her voice to get her that status. Too harsh? Sorry, Kristy Lee Cook drove me CRAZY last season.

Welcome back to the Real World Hollywood! This week, what goes around comes back around to our resident Goody Two Shoes, and I have to say, it's probably the most enjoyable moment of Real World Hollywood yet. Well, with the exception of Meathead Joey's soliloquies. Yeah, still missing the big lug. But let's catch up with who's left.

Teehheeeeheheheeeee

We are finally down to only two episodes left in season four of Hell's Kitchen. But doesn't it feel like this has lasted a lifetime longer than that? Remember ol' Fatso? It feels like he left a decade ago, doesn't it? Sometimes I really miss that fat crapper. (Not really.) Now we are down to the final three. And, historically, the best things always come in threes. Solid, liquid and gas. Bacon, lettuce and tomato. Simon, Paula and Randy. And, of course, triple homicide.

Our mighty triumverate fights on.

Hey Gasmii,

We're back for the fourth episode of SGTL with only two more to go. That means that the judges, editors and producers have just three hours left to whittle seven model wannabes down to one all-encompassing, beautiful, poised, and above all relatable Wilhelmina Model. But, this is the ninja production team from hell. Three hours is way too much time for them. I'm guessing that they'll wrap this season up in just over 90 minutes of footage, spread out over three hours and filled in by commercial after painful boring commercial. And, if the commercials aren't enough to take up the slack, the producers have a new trick up their sleeve--invite the sponsors on the show for their own mini infomercial segment. Wheeeeee!!! This week we get to watch Jenny Craig advertising during the commercial breaks and during the actual show. How cool is that.

Coming soon to Reality TV everywhere.

Don't get me wrong, I love our ladies, which is why I hate being robbed of watching them. Seriously, the actual footage from the show felt like it amounted to a whopping 20 minutes at the most. If this trend keeps up, us poor recappers might end up being forced to recap the commercials as well...Anyway, on to our awesome, if shortened, episode.

She completed 2 songs for Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday celebration in London's Hyde Park, and actually looked decent. No cuts, no scrapes, no needles, and she finished two songs struggle free. Nice work Amy! Others that performed or attended were Will Smith (hosted the event) with Jada Pinkett Smith, Josh Groban, Leona Lewis, Queen, Annie Lennox, Stephen Fry, Quincy Jones, Lewis Hamilton, Simple Minds, Geri Halliwell, Razorlight and U.K. Prime Minister Gordon Brown.

Happy Birthday Nelson Mandela (on July 18th)...after you're done celebrating, can you tell Amy to get some help? "Free Amy Winehouse"

Antonio Sabato Junior wants you to STOP watching this show.

Celebrity Circus, you're like the ultimate cockroach. You resist radiation, survive FOX's attempts to kill you by way of lukewarm ratings, and thrive despite Joey Fatone's penchant for dressing like a total assclown. May you be plagued by a thousand violin-playing midgets on flaming tricycles made of swizzle sticks!

As we enter the fourth week of competition on MTV's Legally Blonde The Musical: The Search For Elle Woods, one thing is clear: the judges prefer the blonde contestants, if only because they coincidentally have emerged as the most talented prospects. Meanwhile, things are not looking so good for the show's three non-blondes...or maybe there are four non-blondes, if you count Natalie who is sort of a brownish blonde. But I don't know, it's hard to remember that Natalie's even around with her bland performances and useless on-camera commentary. By the by, does anyone remember that band Four Non Blondes? They sang that song "What's Going On?" They were a 90s one hit wonder. Don't you love the 90s? VH1 does. They did a whole miniseries about it.

We're down to the sweet 16 - who will shine - who will fall - who will ride the Hot Tamale Train to obscurity?! It's... So You Think You Can Dance!

Our lovely host Cat comes prancing out and -- WTF is she wearing?! It looks like she took her mother's wedding gown and sluttified it...

Maybe the second time will be a charm for Britney? MTV is not ruling out giving Britney another shot at the VMAs this year. Van Toffler, president of MTV Networks Music Group said, "Everyone deserves a second or third chance, right?...Who knows?"

I don't think it's a bad idea to bring Britney back for ratings alone...I know I'd watch. Bring her back, bring her back!!!! This will be Britney's chance to redeem herself, I still haven't given up hope.

We're down to the sweet 16 - who will shine - who will fall - who will ride the Hot Tamale Train to obscurity?! It's... So You Think You Can Dance!

Our lovely host Cat comes prancing out and -- WTF is she wearing?! It looks like she took her mother's wedding gown and sluttified it...

Grab your camels and flying carpets because word on the street (but not announced yet) is that Bravo is going to be doing The Real Housewives of Dubai. This should be interesting.

First of all, wow, Mary-Kate talks! Secondly, in case you missed it, here is Mary-Kate talking about Spencer Pratt's temper on Letterman last night. Letterman is amazing. The Spencer talk starts at minute 5:20 Here is the clip: