• Amy Winehouse really Amy Winehoused it up this week, like a lot.
• We met the amazing Inside Edition reporter who, after being busted by the wife for ordering Girls Gone Wild videos, created the most elaborate porn-ordering denial in history.
• In honor of P. Diddy's totally unnecessary addition to the Hollywood Walk of Fame, Dan took a look at other questionable stars on the celebrity sidewalk.
• Here are 10 Words You Will Only Find In Gossip Magazines.
• This is hands down the best old-timey dog rape video you'll see on this Internet this week.
• Not stalking celebrities can be difficult sometimes, so we created this handy guide to help keep you out of the courtroom.
• Celebrities + Costume Galas = Hilarity.
• The Tropic Thunder producers are going out of their way to make sure you understand that Robert Downey Jr. plays a black guy.

Remember the old days when you could tell it was May Sweeps because your favorite shows featured heavily-touted lesbian stunt kisses? Well, this week we swelled with pride when we realized that the spectacle of girl-girl frenching is as dead as Marissa Cooper. It's true. We, as a viewing public, have become a lot more sophisticated and will no longer stand for such sensational spectacles. Now, please enjoy a brief montage of our favorite Sweeps Week moments! Don't forget -- new episode tonight at 9 PM and 11 PM!

Move over, meat-infused pancakes, because this may be the most sinisterly delicious-looking breakfast sandwich I've ever seen: And before you say "I've had a burger with an egg on it," let me ask you this -- did that burger also come served on top of hash browns??? For $5.95, including a free coffee??? All other breakfast sandwiches, as Homer Simpson might say, are a load of rich, creamery butter. After the jump, a burger close-up that basically qualifies as food porn:

Clearly, not watching One Life To Live on a daily basis is an unforgivable mistake. We tuned in yesterday to catch Snoop Dogg's appearance, only to find the presence of an altogether more fascinating character: A male stripper named Rex, who is almost definitely a meth head. Where's Ken Seeley and Candy Finnegan when you need 'em? We've given you the best of both worlds in this clip: Methy hot stripper rere, and Snoop himself, wearing a ring that can conveniently double as a serving dish. Man, are they smooth.

This is your 2008 Playmate of the Year. There is truly something magical about dresses that can not only be worn on Barbie dolls, but vaguely resembles the packaging of my favorite flavor of Bubblicious gum.
When someone asks what you like in a pet. You respond, something like the obvious best. And that is Princess Snowflake.

See the rest of today's pics, after the jump!

This image from WALL-E demonstrates the movie is part Short Circuit and part E.T.. I think I have ants in my pants just thinking about it.
A little birdy slipped that Kitson is going to start carrying flowing dresses similar to the ones here, on these Afghan refugees. Now that is Hollywood rock.
Something is just so terrifying about this photo of Tilda Swinton and these poor little boys. I'm fairly certain she devours them later on...
There is something about monkeys that always make me laugh. The fact that this monkey is made out of paper, makes it all the more better.
And finally, Kim Kardashian as a cowgirl. Happy Friday everyone!

Phylicia "Roo-Dee" Rashad has received the ultimate honor in the New York theater world for her role in Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, getting her very own caricature on the wall of the legendary restaurant Sardi's. And would you blame her for hiding behind it? That portrait artist shaved off at least 20 years from Rashad's visage! She hasn't looked that good since the opening credits for the second season of The Cosby Show. Terrence Howard's drawing, however = Dead on. It's like the shmeared smarm on a tablet, covered it in wet wipes, and called it a day.

When it links you to Dan's Office-related post from earlier. That's right, we're limiting this blog to one Office post per day. For those of you who want to get all "murdery" on me, feel free to head over to Office Tally. It's an entire blog dedicated to Office-y things! Addiction = satisfied, no? On the bright side, here is an oddly topical Pancake GIF!! (which, I've been told, is from Scrubs.) I never knew how much you guys loved pancakes! Hopefully the fact that it's Zach Braff behind that face batterflap doesn't make it any less terrifying. See you at brunch on Sundie! Also, it's raining and cold outside. I just want some cocoa and a cashmere onesie. All my adoration, Michelle. ps The taunting pancake face is making it worse, isn't it? Dammit. UPDATE: Just want to add one thing, that I love the actor who played the golfer Jim was trying to seduce with paper deals. Phil Reeves, best know for playing the straight-laced principle in Election Walt Hendricks. Guessed on the voice alone.

This is a recap of Lost episode "Cabin Fever," season 4 episode 11, originally airing May 8, 2008. If you haven't seen it yet, don't read this crap. Also, the main character on "Battlestar" dies tonight. LOCKE AND BEN ARE TWO PEAS IN A POD INSIDE A CRAZY DESTINY POTATO "It's your time now," are the words from an uncharacteristically beaten-down Ben to Locke as they stand before Jacob's cabin, symbolically passing the torch of being "chosen" to his bald successor, who, as Ben points out, "got better" (first walking, then surviving a gunshot to the chest) while Ben battled a spinal tumor then watched his daughter get executed. Has Ben's "chosen" time finally expired, with the island desiring to hand over the reigns to Locke? Or was Ben never truly chosen and merely filling the role until Locke arrived, fighting off the island's resistance (tumor, loveless Juliet debacle, etc.) in the process? We know that Locke and Ben were both born to someone named Emily, with Locke being born about five years before Ben according to EW's carbon-dating, and even though Ben's mother died shortly after his birth, it's not entirely implausible that Locke and Ben are (half) brothers. I prefer to believe (if only to skirt the ol' brothers cliche) that the "Emily" connection merely underscores the from-the-getgo relationship between Locke's and Ben's fates, just as Locke's multiple opportunities to end up on a course to the island (via unaging Richard's "special school" or the guidance counselor's "Super Secret Special Science Program On A Magical Island Whoops Didn't Mean To Say Magic Island Forget We Said That") synching up with Ben's father's Dharma Initiative relocation to the island. Locke squanders multiple chances to get to the island amidst encouragement from multiple sources; Ben, meanwhile, gets dragged there by his deadbeat, "workman" father. Clearly, whichever entity is operating the island has preferred Locke's presence from the beginning. TONS OF GHOSTS, STILL NO "UNCHAINED MELODY" On this week's installment of "What The F*ck's Gonna Be In The Cabin This Time?" our guests are Jack and Claire's deceased father Christian, who tells Locke he can "speak on Jacob's behalf," and a new member of the Cryptic Club, Claire herself, who is "with Christian." Last week, rumblings began that Claire actually died in the house explosion, even though Sawyer and (ghost-whisperer) Miles continued to see her and she continued to carry her baby, but Claire's appearance and shady-as-hell-by-association with Christian raises a teleporting cabin full o' questions. What is the significance of all these ghosts? Locke saw a deceased Dharma employee in a dream, and now can see Claire and Christian? Claire first saw Christian last week while apparently still in physical reality, unless Sawyer and Miles were able to see her as a ghost; perhaps the island has some form of partial, in-between death, of which (shot in the chest) Locke and (in house when it frickin' exploded) Claire are taking part, though they're still visible and still capable of corporal action because they haven't yet fulfilled their purpose, like, say, Charlie has (even though Charlie's ghost appears in the future too)? Recall also that Michael's gun jammed when he tried to shoot himself back on the mainland, then Sgt. Jeter's gun jammed when he tried to execute Michael on the boat last night. On a show that continues to bring up "destiny" more often than Morpheus after he just finished reading The Aeneid, it's very easy to expect that these islanders each have a very specific time when they're allowed to die, and any deviation results in either physical impossibilities, such as Michael, Locke and Claire all "surviving," if, possibly, as something less than complete physical entities. MEANWHILE, ON THE BOAT... OF DEATH!!! Keamy slits the throat of the doctor to persuade Frank to fly him and his men back to the island for an auxiliary mission that apparently involves blowing everything up, likely with the Predator bombs that he now has strapped to himself. He then shoots the suddenly amiable captain shortly after the captain had helped Sayid steal the motorboat and head towards the island, leaving Desmond and Michael on the now largely unoccupied freighter. My question is, why wouldn't Frank just crash the helicopter on the island and kill everyone in it? I guess it takes an awfully valiant person to trade their life for a vague cause, but surely, Frank has the opportunity to forge a legacy beyond unbuttoned Hawaiian shirts and "The Lawnmower Man." Will he seize it? My friends and I also debated the bag that dropped from the helicopter -- was that Frank trying to warn Jack's group, or a trap from Keany to get Jack to follow them to where the helicopter eventually lands? I have a hard time believing Frank secretly slipped a bag out the door without any of the soldiers in the tiny helicopter noticing. Maybe the phone will just explode next week and turn Jack into a crazy in-between ghost too and make Juliet think "I wonder if these people really are here to rescue us? I wish we had some more evidence either way..." OTHER THOUGHTS, DETAILS, AND MINOR-LEAGUE TRANSACTIONS -- Loved the part where Locke convinced Hurley to stay with him and Ben on his own accord, prompting Ben to concede, "Not bad." The "Locke is the new Ben" trend is more or less complete at this point; expect persistent blood on his face for the next fifteen episodes. -- Whoa, where's Daniels from The Wire been the last like nine weeks? He turned up again as an orderly in Locke's rehabilitation wing, advising a wheelchair-bound Locke to go for a "walkabout" and find out who he really is, saying that when they meet again, he'll thank him. More encouragement from the island trying to pull Locke towards his destiny? Or was he just making a "walking" crack at Locke? -- The scene with Richard and Kid Locke is an early contender for Cryptic-est moment of '08. I can't even begin to wrap my head around it and I don't feel like typing the details, so if you want, just read this. I also don't really have a joke. Um... "Alpert doesn't age? More like, Alpert doesn't make any damn sense, am I right people???" Let's move on. -- Not much indication in the "Next Week" teaser about who gets the next flashbacks. What do people think? I'm saying in the last three episodes, we'll get Sawyer (been a while), Claire (cause, seriously, come on), then a crazy group non-flashback in the finale that breaks the form again and leaves us excited and pissed off on alternating days during the 37-month layoff. Your turn, Losties. Thoughts, theories, observations, predictions, convictions, evictions -- leave 'em in the comments, we're comin' down the home stretch.

The best part about the latest installment of Nicole Richie's baby-picture-pimp-out (gardening, guitar-strumming - they're like the ex-junkie tabloid trainwreck version of the Cleavers!) is the discovery that Lionel Richie actually wears shirts bearing the name of his smash-hit classic "Hello", just like in my imagination.

Last week, American Idol said goodbye to perhaps their sweetest and humblest contestant yet, the adorable Brooke White. Brooke's downfall, it seemed, was a tendency to forget the lyrics to her chosen song while on the big stage, and it eventually caught up with her. America voted, and Brooke was out. But no need to worry about Ms. White's future! Because she's already released a new album! Best Week Ever has gotten an exclusive peek at the following commercial for her latest effort, entitled Brooke White Starts And Stops The Classics. Check it out! And don't forget to check out the commercial's debut on the brand new episode of Best Week Ever, airing tonight at 9 PM, 11 PM, and all weekend long!

• A few more tracks have leaked from Weezer's forthcoming red album, one of which sounds like what would happen if Queen made an indie rock hip-hop song. (Stereogum)
• Another Coldplay track leaked too, and like all the better Coldplay songs, it's sort of like sonic Zoloft. (Mixtape Maestro)
• You're likely to like Lykke Li. (The Walrus)
• This Caribou song makes me want to put on pelts, move to the forest and smoke hash all day while playing with catapillers. (Pitchfork TV)
• And what's not to love about a whole bunch of new live Radiohead tracks? (*Sixeyes)

In this week's installment of I Like To Watch, our old friend and intrepid DVD-viewer Michael Cyril Creighton takes a look at deadly-vagina feminist thriller Teeth, Eva Longoria's ghost-comedy vehicle Over Her Dead Body and Paris Hilton's latest project The Hottie and the Nottie, which is also sort of about deadly vaginas. Anywhoozers, queue up and take a big bite out of this week's movies!

Yesterday, I restumbled upon one a brilliant short entitled Phone Call, where a man in drag playing "everyone's mother ever" recreates a typical mother's phone call with incredible accuracy and mindblowing dih-tail. Well, comedian John Roberts and crew have put out another gem just in time for Mother's Day, called "Mother's Day." Watch it now, and count how many similarities this guy has nailed in a 3 minute long short. Personally, it's a Collins tradition to have a huge, blowout, bloodthirsty fight in the house seconds before departing for dinner, then arriving, exhausted, to our reservation an hour late while we secretly seethe our way through two breadbaskets and probably some sort of schnitzel. Aww, I miss those times. Happy Mother's Day Ma! Feel free to tell us about your own Mother's Day traditions in the comments. Also Don't Miss: Christmas Tree and My Son Is Gay.

Every few months, a famous Hollywood couple will announce their split, and we'll be all "NOO... they were our favorite." But when we found out that adora-twosome Liv Tyler and Royston Langdon announced their split yesterday, we spent the rest of the evening secretly cutting ourselves... because they really were our favorite. She's beautiful and sweet, he's so tiny n' twee!! Plus, we're not above announcing our brief but joyful obsession with the band Spacehog, so... a hearty "BOO" to this separation. (via INF Daily and People)

• Madonna will embark on her "Sticky and Sweet" Tour this coming August at the age of 50. Sounds a little disgusting, but sure beats the original title, "It's Like Sandpaper."
• In an interview with "60 Minutes," Alec Baldwin indicates that he may run for office someday. Honestly, America could use someone who isn't afraid to call it a thoughtless little pig.
• An L.A. model is accusing Lindsay Lohan of raiding her closet and stealing more than $1,000 worth of clothing. Yeah right -- and I'm sure she raided your secret coke stash too, banking on people calling you out for just wanting attention then getting off the hook. Or maybe that makes a lot of sense...
• Jason Castro says he's "glad" to be done with "American Idol." Mostly because there aren't any songs left in classic rock history that the contestants haven't butchered, meaning they're gonna have to make up songs on the spot for the rest of the competition.
• Ashton Kutcher says he "slept around a lot" before meeting Demi Moore. I, on the other hand, continue to save myself for Demi Moore.

Today's thing's after the stuff:

While you were upgrading to Priority Mail to get that Mother's Day card there in time, someone was having the Best Night Ever! Celebrate your mother with Craig Rowin as he births forth the best Thursday TV moments from The Office, the season finale of 30 Rock, Survivor: Micronesia, and LOST! So sit up straight and eat your vegetables! (Vegetables = Moments. Yes, eat these moments.)

And Frangela puts a pop culture memo in your inbox – Tonight on Best Day Ever.

• SASSTALK: That guy Christian from Project Runway who always says "Fierce!" or "Ferocious!" or whatever also has a few things to say about those girls from The Hills. He likes them, but not their clothes. I think. Can someone please translate for me? (Remote Control)
• GONZO: Our friend Neel Shah took a bold journey deep into the Heart of Darkness - aka. the Long Island "Mingling Moms" dinner honoring Dina Lohan - so we wouldn't have to. (Radar)
• SUBVERSION: Please help Videogum "Burn the MTV Movie Awards To The Ground" by voting for all the terrible nominees who are going to win anyway. (Videogum)
• HIGH CRIMES: Apparently you can trip on saliva and it's gonna be illegal soon, so you'd better smoke a lot of pot so your mouth is always dry or you'll get arrested. I'm so high right now. (BuzzFeed)
• SUPER TROOPERS: I've always wanted to see pictures of Star Wars Storm Troopers just bro'in out. Thanks Internet! (Flickr)

10. Teaching her two sons to call her Mommy, instead of their preferred names, Britney, "Lady Who Go Bye-Bye", or "The Wagon Puller". 9. Putting Sean Preston and Jayden James in their favorite Radio Flyer wagon, patting them on the heads, and then having a relaxing Mother's Day smoking by the pool while her kids are "off roaming somewhere." 8. Learning her lines for the next episode of How I Met Your Mother while simultaneously sobbing. Of all the titles... 7. Taking Sean and Jayden to Court to see "where Mommy works now." 6. Polishing her boots. 5. Writing a long apology e-mail to her own Mother, Lynne, that reads "Momma, I'm sorry. Can I please get an extra $10 in my allowance this week? All my love, Brit Brit." 4. Dressing Sean and Jayden up as miniature Britney and K-Fed's, and reenacting the entire first season of Britney & Kevin: Chaotic with her little ones. Baby cornrows = adore! 3. Learning how to read and write. 2. Getting pregnant... again. 1. Dinner with her family at The Cheesecake Factory. Isn't that the best way to spend Mother's Day, always? Can I get some Thai Lettuce Wraps over here?

-- Couldn't they have kicked off both Nikki and Spike? They've kicked off two people in a week in past seasons; are we really expecting Spike to suddenly learn how to cook non-squash related food (I know I'm not the only one who laughed when Spike made squash again last night) and go on some amazing Giants Wildcard run and upset Richard and Dale? I just hope when he goes down, it's for something legendarily terrible, like he has to make a souffle and literally just serves boiled squash in a hat or something. -- The two best lines of the night came from Andrew. 1) "I have a total culinary boner right now!" and 2) "...so much spinach, it's like Popeye's wet dream." I'm also glad that censors have no problem with the word "boner." Beavis and Butthead truly did pave the way... -- I love how every week, Tom mentions "I know there isn't much time and you're cooking for a [Wedding / Tailgate / Stupid Zoo Thing] this week, but don't dumb it down." I'm waiting for the one week when he's just like "Ok, this week, just f*cking dumb it down. Feel free to phone it in, who gives a sh*t? For this week, all of the sudden, it doesn't matter." -- I also love how the winning group goes to the Judges' Table first every week and the losers go second, and, yet, Bravo still attempts to make the "you are the winning group!" announcement seem like a huge surprise to everyone every week. I deciphered that "A. B." code like more than a week ago. -- That promo shot of Padma spinning around with the knives just gets funnier every week. -- HANDICAPPING THE FIELD: Nice rebound by Stephanie this week with the wedding cake, but Dale showed some weakness for the first time with a randomly beyotch-ey whine-fest with Hatty McNocook. If I had to handicap the competitors at the moment, I'd go: 1) Richard - Clearly the most talented chef on the show, and appearing less arrogant by the week, but still just doesn't seem like a very "wow" choice to take it all. 2) Stephanie - Likeable, really only had 1 1/2 bad weeks, and the show could use a female winner. 3) Dale - The editing this week made the once-favorite look strangely out of sorts and vulnerable, especially when he slammed the refrigerator and yelled "F*CK" in the Quickfire, like a pitcher who'd just gotten pulled in the third innning. 4) Andrew - Very quietly hasn't messed up in weeks, and still one of the more charismatic characters, but I think even he knows he's just not as technically strong as Richard or Dale. 5) Antonia - She's not bad, but it definitely looks like a four-pony sprint at this point. Thoughts, people? Leave 'em in the comments.

Get out of town! Is it true? Do boyfriends and girlfriends really kiss and make out?! Oh Rihanna! Isn't Chris Brown too young for you? Oh, right. He's not.
Whomever sent this box has very little trust in FedEx. I suggest trying UPS next time. Those commercials make me really believe.

See the rest of today's pics, after the jump!

Lil'Kim really knows how to make her way back in the public eye. David LaChapelle always seems to have the appropriate artistic vision for Jesus-like images.
This exotic beauty is apparently, the world's most dangerous bird. Let me know if you see it, and it tries to eat your eyes out of your skull. Just let me know. Thanks.
this is a cocktail robot. And apparently, they celebrate. As robots tend to do.
Run for cover! It's Tori Spelling! And she's about to burst! Or pop. Or anything of that sort.
And finally, today we will go swimming in a pool of ice. Because nothing says summer like bikini-ed frozen tundra

AMY WINEHOUSE: Yeah, hello? Is this my bellybutton? Hello, ya there? (pause) Yeh, I'll hold.... (cue eternal Muzak.) Read Part I Here.

Sometimes in sports, a tragedy will occur that really helps put things in perspective, reminding even the most vehement fans that there are more important things in life than a game. Yesterday, at the Reds/Cubs game in Cincinnati, beloved Reds mascot Mr. Redlegs fell from a cart during a between-innings goofaround session and was violently decapitated. If you have the stomach for it, the horrifying video is after the jump:

10. Beau

Noun; Actual or unconfirmed boyfriend, often qualified with "new." Example: Lindsay was spotted in a corner booth cozying up to her new beau -- OH WAIT, that's Samantha Ronson!!! [lulz] Closest Real-Life Use: "Hey, is Beau Bridges still alive?"

9. Bod

Noun; Body, usually a hot one, on display. Example: Jude Law showed off his hot bod while on vacay with the kiddies this weekend. Hey Jude -- how 'bout you take the kids to the beach more often??? Closest Real-Life Use: "If we ever go back in time and run a custom car show in 1993, want to call it 'Hot Rods n' Hot Bods?'"

8. Item

Noun; 1. Noteworthy enough couple; 2. Information of value, sometimes 'juicy' or 'blind.' Example: Here's a juicy little item -- Paris Hilton and Benji Madden were spotted together yet again at a club in Malibu. Looks like they're becoming an item -- sorry, single guys!!! Closest Real-Life Use: "MESSAGE FROM DR. LIGHT! ITEM-2 COMPLETED! GET YOUR WEAPONS READY! GET EQUIPPED WITH ITEM-2!"

7. Crooner

Noun; 1. Singer of R&B and/or vague, uncategorizable music; 2. "American Idol" contestant. Example: Our Usher spy spotted the steamy crooner croonin' the night away with former "Idol" crooner Kellie Pickler. What an unlikely duet!!! Closest Real-Life Use: "The other day on the phone, my grandma goes, 'I think that nice crooner man Kan-yee West' is very handsome."

6. Pix

Noun (pl); Plural for "pictures," typically unsolicited or raunchy. Example: A rep for De la Hoya swears Oscar has no idea where the pix came from. Uhhhhhh, duhhhh... a camera, maybe??? Closest Real-Life Use: "I give abbreviations to sugary candy."

5. Pop Tard

Noun; Hilarious breakfast pastry-related nickname for very public, troubled female musicians. Example: Britney missed another court hearing at 8:00 this morning. Apparently, the pop tard can't figure out how to work a cell phone alarm, y'all!!! Closest Real-Life Use: "Would you like a pop tard for breakfast? Oop, sorry, misspoke -- a pop tart, I mean."

4. Dish

Verb; To relay personal or inappropriate information. Example: We got Shia to dish the deets on the new "Indy" movie and guess what? There are whips in it!!! Rawwwrrrr!!! Closest Real-Life Use: "Time Warner really, really sucks. Wanna get Dish?"

3. Tipster

Noun; 1. Anonymous individual who feeds firsthand information to gossip press. 2. Nobody. Example: Our tipster tells us that Pam and Hugh Hefner "didn't come up for air all night" and "definitely left together" and "had sex" and "didn't use a condom!" Uh oh! More like Hugh Hep-ner! Closest Real-Life Use: [In the 1930s] "Nyah, see? They calls 'em the Chatanooga Tipster, see? Cause when ya step inta the ring with 'em, he makes ya tip over with his left hook!"

2. Baby Bump

Noun; Visible sign of female pregnancy, usually speculative. Example: Whoa! Is that Nicole Richie's baby bump, or did she just eat a raisin??? Closest Real-Life Use: "Check it out -- Those two highly coordinated babies are re-enacting a 70s dance craze."

1. Canoodling

Verb; To snuggle affectionately, or just to be in the same building or city as one another. Almost exclusively used in participle form. Example: Our tipster dished an item about a certain pop tard trading in her hot bod pix for a baby bump -- looks like she and her new crooner beau are doing more than just canoodling! Closest Real-Life Use: "Did you see this article? Apparently, these two celebrities were spotted canoodling, whatever the f*ck that means." [HONORABLE MENTIONS: C-lister, popwreck, hubby, celebutard, celebuspawn, rep, spies, prenup, exclusive, Cloud 9, retracted, mommyhood]

From POP SUGAR -- With The Dark Knight on it's way into the theaters, Maggie Gyllenhaal is doing a good job of keeping herself low key. And the paparazzi are doing a good job of taking photos of her adorable daughter. Check this invasion of privacy, after the jump! Maggie Has a Big Movie, a Big Heart and a Growing Ramona

Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard took their confident little walker, Ramona, out for a stroll in Brooklyn yesterday. Looks like the little one is already getting into the spring spirit in her pink dress — how much does she look like both her parents? Kinda incredible. As big as she's getting, Ramona is still a bit too little to check out her mama's big summer movie, The Dark Knight. Speaking of which, have you seen the new trailer? Creepy and awesome. While Maggie's movies may be on the adult end, her charitable side is good for any age. She teamed up with Real Simple and Design on a Dime for their annual charity event. Sweethearts of all sizes in that family.

Source

Shame on me, for thinking today was turning into a slow news day. SHAME ON ME! I just received an e-mail in my inbox, which was so palpably fantastic it cast a yellowish glow on my face, much like the mystery suitcase John Travolta opens in Pulp Fiction. This one time, we're going to ask that you watch the video before any commentary on this site is made. It's an old timey number involving alcoholic dogs in suits and a lil bitch named Queenie who gets paw-handled by a French Bulldog. No, literally, watch it RIGHT NOW. Some questions: Was Queenie being raped? Because as much as I feel like this video was delivered from my virtual womb, I sort of have a problem with that. How did they teach a dog to slap another dog's face? Did they glue that whiskey glass to that dog's hand? Why was animal abuse in the 20s SO CUTE? How many Oscars did this win? Is the rapey dog rabid? That laugh... HOW DID RAPEY DOG LOCK THE DOOR? Holy sh*t, I have to watch this 2000 more times.

Here's Entertainment Weekly's first look at Josh Brolin as George W. Bush and Elizabeth Banks as First Lady Laura in Oliver Stone's forthcoming biopic, W. Dick Cheney will be played by Javier Bardem, reprising his role as Anton Chigurh. (via JustJared)

Well, consider your wish granted. Thanks to Pancake Puffs, a wondrous new invention that turns those regular ol' flapjacks into deliciously spherical roundjohns! Pancake Puffs is simple really. It's a pan, with little mounds embossed into it, that turns pancakes into bite-sized breakfast treats. And the best part? You can now put things inside of your pancakes! Such as, according to the commercial... pudding. But why stop with sweets? The helpful infomercial suggests other delicious pancake puff recipes too! Like... crab cakes. Or "Ps in a B." And won't your guests just squeal with delight when they realize their puffed delicacy is smothered in "fancy whipped cream." (ohhhhh) But let's get real for a second: It's pretty easy to make fun of Pancake Puffs, as just another indication that Americans are obsessed with handheld breakfast thingies filled to the brim with meat and/or so incredibly high right now... but you know what? I really f**king want one. So screw you, American Heart Association, I've got some batterballs that are itchin' for fillin'! The infomercial is after the cut. I haven't been this excited about a product since the The Deion Sanders Hot Dog Express.

While you were adding Jason Castro to the "I have crazy hair and got kicked off American Idol club", someone was having the Best Night Ever! Dread it up with Leslie Collins as she brings you the best Wednesday night TV from Wife Swap, America's Next Top Model, Farmer Wants A Wife, Top Chef, and America Idol! It's ok Jason. There's a man over there with a pony tail mohawk who wants to buy you a cheer up drink. He answers to "Sanjaya".

Not really, but Frangela does round up today's real headlines. Enjoy Best Day Ever weeknights at 11pm on VH1!!

• HOLY SH*T: The Motherf*cking LaBeouf is hosting SNL this week and you can sumbit questions for him to answer! Finally, my chance to find out if he'd be up for some super-intense but totally-hetero snuggling! (Videogum)
• GEEK ROCK: Several people playing the Tetris theme song by blowing into bottles may in fact be the geekiest thing ever committed to video. But still, awesome. (Gizmodo)
• TWO-FACE: The only thing scarier than The Joker is two raging mysoginists with too much time on their hands and no superheros to thwart their evil schemes. To wit: In the Company of Batmen. (CC Insider)
• ARACHNAKED: Here's Isabella Rossellini doing some kind of weird insect porn, for all of you who've been wanting to see that. (The Hater)
• LIGHTWEIGHT: Evan Rachel Wood wasn't able to handle boyrfriend Marilyn Manson's Mansinthe on her birthday, yet she still seems capable of handling Marilyn Manson as a boyfriend. (Dlisted)

Earlier today, Amy Winehouse was drugs arrested charged incident charges for expected predictable. Sources claim Winehouse was things and stuff pictures of drugs videos of drugs obvious drugs many many stories drugs drug people using addiction many, yadda yadda yadda et cetera. Amy Winehouse drugs drugs drug drugs arresting arrest arrest arresting arrested? What suprises so many shock suprise unexpected sarcasm! Are serious drugs Amy Winehouse drugs have to be kidding no way shock startle bad role model for children even make music anymore seriously you know? More like drug using bad person who is drugs bad things ridiculous hair what wrong with photo total mess these days! Amy drugs Winehouse?? Get serious no way shock out of here word wine is in her name even!!!!!

I know you guys think that the sweet blues solos, tortured lyrics and constipated facial expressions found in an album's worth of John Mayer's finest musical creations just appear out of nowhere, into your Microsoft Zunes, for you and your girlfriends to rock out to during slumber parties, but there's actully a craft and process that goes into making Mayer's signature brand of McMusic. There are brainstorming sessions with Cousin Leon<