With the 2012 Grammy Awards upon us and everyone already thrilled for the big Beach Boys / Foster The People / Maroon 5 reunion (finally!), let’s take a second to remind ourselves of something we all already know and complain about every year: The Grammys are, without a doubt, the weirdest and most arbitrary awards show in the entire entertainment world. To re-prove this time-tested theory, we’ve scoured Grammy’s checkered past and compiled some of its most bizarre winners in a desperate search of some meaning for this odd gramophonic statue. From the awesomely-random to the just flat-out terrible, here’s a list of 13 People You Can’t Believe Won A Grammy: 1. Zach Braff Without rehashing the internet’s eminent disdain for Garden State, let’s just take a moment to acknowledge that an actual physical golden gramophone was given to Zach Braff for being the “compilation producer” of the third-date-mix that was the Garden State Soundtrack. Nothing against the actual music, but if burning Nick Drake onto cds to impress people is award-worthy, most of us earned that Lifetime Achievement Award by sophomore year of college. 2. Mikhail Gorbachev The former Head of the Soviet Union won a “Best Spoken Word Album for Children” Grammy for his contribution to a 2004 recording of Peter And The Wolf, though it might’ve been a make-up win after his failure to be recognized for having inspired a decade of award-worthy hilarity from Yakov Smirnoff. 3. The Baha Men Winners of the 2000 Grammy Award for Best Dance Recording, and a Grammy every year since for “Most Random Song Inexplicably Still Played At Sporting Events Free Of Irony” (a co-award shared with “Cotton-Eye Joe”). 4. Martin Scorsese After spending a decade-plus as the go-to “Great Artist Who’s Never Won An Oscar” reference, Scorsese actually snagged a Grammy Award for “Best Long Form Music Video” in 2005 for directing American Masters: No Direction Home: Bob Dylan, one year before his vindicating Oscar win for The Departed. Finally came around on that Scorsese fellow, eh, entertainment world? 5. Patrick Stewart More in the “Awesomely Unexpected” Category than the “Wait, Really?” Category for this list, the incomparable Patrick Stewart won a “Best Spoken Word Album for Children” Grammy in 1996 for his vocal contributions to a different recording of Peter And The Wolf, though no one knows for sure if it was actually him or just Data imitating his voice. 6. Joaquin Phoenix Joaquin Phoenix won a Grammy in the catchy-titled “Best Compilation Soundtrack Album for Motion Picture, Television or Other Visual Media” category in 2006 as the lead vocalist on the “Walk The Line” soundtrack, and I don’t think it’s unfair in any way to completely blame the Grammys for everything he did afterwards. Nice one, Grammys! 7. Bill Clinton Few Grammy wins truly encompassed the super-necessary spirit of the Awards more than Bill Clinton winning a Grammy for My Life: The Audiobook. And for good measure, Clinton won another one in ’04 for ALSO contributing to the Gorbachev Peter & The Wolf recording (Fun Fact: Half of all Grammys ever given out have been Peter And The Wolf related), so he’s a two-time Grammy Award winner. When’s he eligible for the Rock n’ Roll Hall Of Fame? 8. Shaggy Shaggy summed up in a Tweet by my colleague @haulihan: “Wanted to congratulate everyone on helping Shaggy have several hit songs a few years back. Who knew we could commit to a joke so hard?” 9. Elmo Elmo won the Best Musical Album for Children Grammy in 1999, 2000, and 2002, on an impressive Meryl Streep-esque run, only superior, because Streep never released anything called Elmopalooza. 10. Todd MacFarlane Spawn creator and toy magnate Todd MacFarlane took the 2000 Grammy for Best Short Form Music Video for directing Korn’s “Freak on a Leash”, and that is officially the Year-2000-est Sentence Ever Written. 11. Barack Obama In what was surely the most thrilling moment of his career, Obama won the ’06 Best Spoken Word Album Grammy for his Dreams From My Father audio reading. Nothing for The Audio-dacity Of Hope? 12. Tia Carrere Wayne Campbell’s love interest won Grammys in 2009 and 2011 for Best Hawaiian Album, though sadly, her work on the jungle-tastic music video for “Ain’t Got No Reason For Reaction” went unrecognized by the voters. 13. Orson Welles Orson Welles won the Best Spoken Word Album Grammy in both 1979 and 1982, and this, folks, is indisputably what he will be remembered for forever. So that’s it. ENJOY THE GRAMMYS, EVERYONE!!! Can Betty White beat Val Kilmer for the Best Spoken Word Album this year?? Guess we’ll have to tune in and see! Also, what is anything?

Honorary Air Commandant and Redhead Prince Harry had a meet and greet with English Service personnel in Suffolk, England yesterday. He wore a uniform, and looked very hot. Here are 10 photos of him “serving” in the army. 10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. [Photos via Getty]

The Whipsnade Zoo in England is run by romantics, if nothing else. And even though it’s a solid 4 days before Valentine’s Day, they were kind enough to give their Valentine’s out a little early. For example, here is a baby Egyptian tortoise who lives on a nickel enjoying his Valentine’s day treat: A strawberry the size of the Chrysler Building (relatively speaking of course). This turtle is going to need some time… alone. They got a little more formal with their Valentine for this saki monkey: A card? A card for a monkey? I hope the zooworkers like their return Valentine: Sh*t flung from a distance of about 15 feet. (But really, what could possibly be in that envelope?! I hope it’s a certificate for a free small animal massage. Or a check for $20. Or fruit leather.) Ahead, a follow-up to the turtle valentine... HE FOUND LOVE IN A HOPELESS PLACE (THE ZOO)

Sophia Grace and her hype girl Rosie appeared on The Ellen Degeneres Show yesterday to do what they do best: Rap. And I don’t mean “Oh look, a little girl rapping. That’s sweet! How cute.” I mean “This girl is the Baby Mozart of rapping.” They joined Ellen a while ago to cover Nicki Minaj, a video that racked up over 30 million views. And yesterday, through brought their cover of Keri Hilson’s “Turn My Swag On,” which leads me to ask: Does Julliard accept BABIES? Because get these girls IN NOW. Seriously, next time tackle “Ni**as In Paris.” It would be “OFF THE HOOK,” as an old white person such as myself would say. Things get amazing at 1:43: Also they’re going to the Grammys.

You’ve seen the Nicolas Cage 1870s photo, and you’ve read our subsequent overwhelming evidence that Nicolas Cage is a vampire and been like “I thought that was a joke but now I kind of literally believe this because it makes complete sense.” Last night, Nic Cage appeared on Letterman to finally break his LEGENDARY SILENCE on the topic of his own vampirism, and in the process, just convinced us even further:

Conan O’Brien has finally cracked what it takes to make a hit show. The answer, it turns out, is simple: PUPPIES Yes, puppy-backing off of the success of Animal Planet’s “Puppy Bowl,” Conan presents an all new format of his TBS late night talk show… Puppy Conan. Just a puppy in a wig is all. It sounds so simple, and yet the results are so spectacular. There’s even a tiny Puppy Andy! He can’t stop sniffing his own ass, just like the real Andy. Not going to lie, these puppies have nothing on Jimmy Fallon’s Puppy Predictor, but still, a worthy video to spend your time on. How long until we’re given a Puppy Leno? And yes, that is a Japanese Chin. (via Team Coco)

Here’s an exceptionally talented and hilariously indifferent French Bulldog showing off its mad DJ skills alongside its companion (a human DJ – booooring) in this adorable and fake-seeming-but-who-cares double-DJ scratch-off. This is literally the first time in ten years where a DJ started scratching a record and I didn’t roll my eyes. Any idea what nights this guy spins? Cause I’m totally there. Nah, nah, it’s cool, bouncer, you can let me in, I know the skiing dogs from the Subaru commercial… (via Neatorama)

This is the kind of optical illusion I want to put in my purse and look at alone while riding the bus. Just a paper cat face smiling through a bag with a big ol’ real cat body. I sent this photo to my parents because I do things like that, and my mother said in response “I bet the real cat has a much more beautiful face than the cat foot cat.” Once again, ruining something I love. Thanks Mom! (via Reddit/imgur)

It was a few years ago, around sunset, that some friends and I found ourselves sitting on the steps facing the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. (Yes, I’m Jewish, so you can already chill out about this post.) And I played a little game with myself: Which super ultra-orthodox man would be hot if he shaved and took his traditional uniform off and treated me like an equal? It’s truly an entertaining way to spend an afternoon, one that kept me occupied for hours. And among the hundreds of men that passed and avoided eye contact with me, there were a few in the mix who could definitely rock a Sacha Baron Cohen thing if they ever so desired. But I gotta be honest… none of the dudes looked like this: Or this: Yes, an Israeli fashion magazine called BelleMode has decided to piss… mm.. yup, everybody in Jerusalem off by staging this photoshoot of Ultraorthodox Jewish models looking sssuper sexxxy while riding on a bus in scant, sheer clothing. Sure, somewhere my grandparents are rolling over in their graves, but camman… it’s a fine day when we can ogle hot Jews who might not be allowed to touch each other. More photos ahead and A BONUS OPRAH PHOTO (it will all be explained):

Ever notice that Social Network co-star and new Spider-Man Andrew Garfield kind of looks like Jean-Ralphio (Ben Schwartz) from Parks And Recreation? The folks at Collegehumor have, and took that as enough license to create this random but excellent remixed Amazing Spider-Man trailer starring Jean-Ralphio, and charitably released it on a week without a new actual Parks & Rec episode (urge to kill…faaading…) I’m not being blogger-facetious when I say I am literally more interested to watch this entire movie than to see Spider-Man again. What if we replaced J. Jonah Jameson with Ron Swanson and Mary Jane with Leslie Knope and also it wasn’t Spider-Man at all but a Parks & Rec movie? It can still be 3-D, just make that happen:

This somewhat horrifying photo of Macaulay Culkin appeared online today, raising some concern for the actor’s well-being, but Culkin’s camp has since assured the worried internet that the actor is in perfect health. Since that’s cleared up, let’s play a game: What would the movie Home Alone look like if it were starring Current-Face Macaulay Culkin? It might go uhhhhhlitttle something…like this: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. That was a good use of everyone’s time. Enjoy the rest of your life post-this!

Here’s a video of security officers and police at the Ueno Zoo in Tokyo practicing an “Animal Escape Drill,” meaning, they pretend to square off with a human-operated papier-mâché rhinoceros that pretends to run amok and pretends to gorge an unfortunate officer (who only had one day left before pretend-retirement). If that sounds like the Japannest thing you’ve ever heard, watch the video, because it’s even more that than you’re expecting. This is just some quality internetting right here. Put down that Dickens novel you weren’t reading and spend the next minute with Rhiny: (Arbroath, via Videogum)

Want to make hipsters feel less self-conscious about how hard they’re trying to look their parents? Slap a little RAP MUSIC ON THAT SH*T. Some genius on Youtube (LOL, everyone on Youtube is a genius) decided to combine the slow-motion footage from every Wes Anderson movie ever with some Ja Rule. Give your horn-rimmed glasses a buffing and crack open a 40 because you’re about to feel like a boss. (via Uproxx and The Cajun Boy)

Inspired by this post, here are 50 Cats Sitting On The Toilet. 50. [via Flickr] 49. [via Flickr] 48. [via Daily Kitten] 47. [via Times Leader] 46. [via Wonder How To] 45. [via Wonder How To] 44. [via Dogster] 43. [via Blog CDN] 42. [via Vivaboo] 41. [via Flickr] 40. 39. [via MSN] 38. [via Flickr] 37. [via Flickr] 36. [via Flickr] 35. 34. [via Flickr] 33. [via Flickr] 32. 31. [via Flickr] 30. 29. [via Funny Videos] 28. [via Flickr] 27. [via Flickr] 26. [via Flickr] 25. [via Flickr] 24. [via Flickr] 23. [via Funny Photo Like] 22. [via Flickr] 21. [via Flickr] 20. [via Flickr] 19. [via Flickr] 18. [via Reddit] 17. [via Flickr] 16. [via Flickr] 15. [via Flickr] 14. [via Flickr] 13. [via Flickr] 12. [via Flickr] 11. [via Flickr] 10. [via Flickr] 9. [via Flickr] 8. [via Flickr] 7. [via Flickr] 6. [via Flickr] 5. [via Flickr] 4. [via Flickr] 3. [via Catster] 2. [via Flickr] 1. I’m proud to say I was the first person to make this video viral oh so long ago. It’s quite a story. If you ever meet me, be sure to ask. ps A true lady flushes:

It’s Top Chef Texas Episode 14 entitled “Mentors”, and it’s the final episode before the Finale, which is between 2 and 7 episodes long, we’re never quite sure. We ARE sure of two things that will happen in the Finale: 1) Padma will say “Here’s some helping hands that you mayyyyy recognizeeeee…” and the Last 4 Eliminated Chefs will re-enter followed by a fake-tearful reunion, and… 2) Paul wins. Seriously, this season should be called Top Bloodbath, if that name weren’t already taken by a TLC reality show about a blood bank owned by a crazy family (Grandma Edna the after-donation cookie-baker is my favvvv!!!) Before the Quickfire, Bravo finally reveals the winner of Last Chance Kitchen – will it be Beverly, or will it be Grayson’s Dateline Re-Enactment actress: We know it’s going to be Beverly because she shouldn’t have lost in the first place and we know Bravo isn’t gonna introduce this whole big new side-feature just to have Grayson come back one week later and render last week’s episode obsolete. OR WILL TH-nah, they won’t. SURPRISE! It’s Beverly! And she is PSYCHED to be back: So we’re back to 5 chefs, with Beverly as the awkward fifth wheel, not unlike Captain Planet Heart guy (even though Beverly’s just as good as the remaining Non-Pauls, whereas Heart guy rarely if ever cooked). For the Quickfire, the chefs will have to grab their ingredients while blindfolded and use everything they pick up, because being a true chef is all about possessing clairvoyance and being able to recognize types of meat when they’re frozen in sealed odorless packs. Basically, it’s an excuse to watch the chefs flail around wildly, and it is perversely entertaining: The winner of the Quickfire will have a choice to make, because it’s a Top Chef HIGH TEXAS STAKES Robert Frost Road-Takin’ Quickfire: They can either take a guaranteed spot in the Finals, or win a brand-new Prius but still have to cook in the Elimination Challenge. Despite Ed’s impressive use of pork casings to make a broth for his ‘udon’ dish, Sarah wins the Quickfire for her Corn Soup with Onion, Red Chili and Peaches. Sarah takes the guaranteed spot in the finals, prompting Michelle to email me at 1:30 am “WHAT AN IDIOT SHE SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THE CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I would’ve agreed if it were Paul, but I think Sarah made the right move, simply because you KNOW if she had taken the car, the Bravo Producers would’ve made sure she lost the Elimination Challenge to ensure an “OHHH MANN, she took a risk and blew it!!!” controversy, not unlike when Beverly forgot an item in her Quickfire dish, then Padma said “you would’ve won this by a mile” then she ended up losing the Elimination because she didn’t have immunity. I am POSITIVE this would have happened, and Sarah sniffed it out. Good move, Sarah! You must definitely read these Recaps. (Bad use of time, Sarah!) “Whatever. I didn’t come here to make cars. I just need to cook MY cars.” – Sarah Even though Sarah doesn’t take the car, the chefs still hop in a Prius for thirty seconds of staged raving-about-it, then Taylor Hicks comes out and sings an entire song about Toyota to the tune of this Ford commercial: I can’t believe that was airing on actual television six years ago. It looks like it’s from 1993. Anyway, onto less important matters than Taylor Hicks Ford commercials – for the Elimination Challenge, the five remaining chefs will be cooking dishes inspired by their culinary mentors, so get those slightly-too-many tears ready, because THE MENTORS ARE IN THE BUILDING: The chefs welcome Michelle Bernstein, Tony Mantuano, Sarah Stegner, Tyson Cole, and Frank Crispo, and holy crap is there a lot of crying, and not just from Bev this time: Not to minimize this emotional reunion, but 1) Haven’t the chefs been away from these people for like 8 days? I know they don’t all still work directly with these mentors, but they were crying like they all just got off a Bravo desert island to see their families and/or Wilson again, and 2) Has anyone ever been that emotional when seeing their boss? Maybe when watching Kelsey Grammer Boss, but they were like, “Dearest Tyson…sniff… I’ll never forget that time I said I could work Saturday then something came up, and… sniff… you told me ‘it’s ok you can switch with someone!’ [TEARS]” Fine, fine, I know they’re proud to have their mentors see how far they’ve gotten, I’m just havin’ an internet josh (it’s what we do here at JustJoshinAround.gov). But at least Ed agreed with me. For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs have to prepare a dish that “wows” their mentors, and the mentors will be dining alongside Tom, Padma, Gail, and oh yeah Hugh Acheson is still the official guest judge this season: We know what this setup means: Each mentor is obviously going to compliment their own person’s dish, then the other mentors aren’t going to be d*cks and criticize the other mentors’ mentees, then Tom and Padma aren’t going to strongly disagree with the bubbly opinions of five happy very-established chefs who’ve been nice enough to fly to Texas for this show, so it will all be very positive with rare, reluctant ever-so-light critiques. Since this is pretty much exactly what happens – with some “How did you meet Chef Blank?” “Well, we worked together at a restaurant, and I could tell he/she was good at working at that restaurant…” interactions sprinkled in – let’s just skip to Judge’s Table. Though it is worth noting that the dining room at the Hotel Valencia was modeled after an 80s metal ballad: Paul and Beverly had the Judges’ two favorite dishes, so they’re officially in the Finals. You kind of knew Beverly wasn’t going to come back and instantly get eliminated again, plus she’s a worthy finalist, so that wasn’t particularly surprising. Paul wins his SIXTH Elimination Challenge of the season for his Chilled Sunchoke Dashi Soup with Vegetables; the dish did seem on the simpler side, as Paul even admitted, but Tom and Gail praised his restraint and execution. I’m not saying this praise wasn’t legit, but I wonder if a more borderline chef had made something this simple if the judges wouldn’t have been like “You’re playing it too safe, chef we hate!” rather than “Ahh, a good chef made something simple, he’s such a master of restraint and understatement…” Anyway, it’s not gonna matter anyway, cause Paul has already 10-Run-Ruled the competition: He also wins like his fifth car of the season, making him essentially the Jay Leno of comedy. (Huh?) It’s down to Ed and Lindsay for the last spot in the Finals – Ed is criticized roundly for using canned, smoked oysters for his oyster sauce (as always, all pre-prepared food is BS except yummy Healthy Choice), and Lindsay takes flak for adding cream to her Seafood “Stew” with Couscous, with Gail adding “She should’ve recognized that she made a mistake and corrected it.” By…removing the cream from the sauce? Using her magic powers that she already didn’t have in the Quickfire challenge? I thought Lindsay was going home, if only because Ed has been a small spark of personality in a largely indistinguishable cast. I acknowledged that the producers might pull a shady ‘balance the cast’ routine and not have 3/4 Asian finalists, but with Lindsay winning, the Finale cast would’ve been 3/4 female, so I didn’t read too much into this conspiracy-theory-ey aspect of the decision. In the end, though, Ed’s oyster sauce proves too cameramen-told-Tom-he-used-canned-oysters-ey, and Lindsay snags the last spot in the Finals: If we’re being extra conspiracy-theory-ey, the ‘Three Asian Finalists’ thing aside, perhaps Bravo didn’t want to diss Lindsay’s mentor Michelle Bernstein, a longtime Top Chef guest judge and Masters contestant? Just something to think about, we’ve got nothing better to do. Ed is eliminated, and after pretend-crying earlier in the episode, he actually begins to tear up for real: Ed has learned a valuable lesson: Don’t worry, Ed! Remember what Beverly’s mentor Sarah said: “If you’re passionate in what your believe in, it’s gonna work out for you.” Also, that’s the message of everything. I think it was the tagline for the movie Rio. So there’s your Top Chef Season 9 Final Four: Paul (winner), Beverly, Sarah, and Lindsay. And they’ll settle this in classic Top Chef fashion – With riflery and cooking-on-ski-lifts in British Columbia (did not have to exaggerate one element of that sentence): Top Chef Pre-Finale Finale thoughts? Thoughts / Conspiracy Theories on the Final Four? Thoughts on the Texas challenges as a whole? Predictions for the Finale? Can anyone beat Paul? Will the chefs literally be feeding bears? React away in the comments.

Sure, everyone is making a big fuss about the latest Bourne installment, The Bourne Legacy, starring Jeremy Renner in lieu of our rugged hero Matt Damon. But IIII’m going to STICK MY NECK OUT on THIS ONE and say that producers made a big mistake not hiring Bela Lugosi for the part of Jason Bourne. I mean think about it: A fearless assassin, trained with the utmost precision, who is also a freaky looking old school vampire. Pamela Landy pulls the top secret file out of her drawer, with a stamp on it labeled ‘BLEDSTONE.’ Wanting to catch him, but also strangely… drawn to him. I believe this is what we industry people call “$$$$$.” Plus, Lugosi’s been gearing up for the part his whole life. Sorry Renner, but I think we’d all rather “Lugosi” this version. No? Just me? Not even me? OK.

Apartment living ain’t easy. Especially in New York, when sometimes it seems the walls are so thin, your neighbors are having sex with you. Even more shocking is when you wake up in between them and wonder: HOW DID WE GET HERE? The answer is pretty simple: Alcohol. Yes, the easiest way to “chip the ice” with a next-door neighbor is to randomly show up, drink in hand, and ply them with whatever sizzling concoction you threw together in your bathtub. Laughter will be up, inhibitions down, and then you can slowly approach the topic that brought you over there in the first place: “Could you please stop leaving your used diaper genie bags under my welcome mat?” It works, I promise. Now, I can’t take credit for this idea. No, I actually picked this helpful tip up from hilarious comedian and friend Katina Corrao, who has been trying to get past my front door for years now. It’s never worked… until today. In this latest installment of her web series “The Good Neighbor Minute” Katina fools me into letting her into my home, drinking a random mixture of liquids, wearing an unflattering pirate’s costume (burning it), and eventually, shattering my good martini glass. But she’s just so lovable, you can’t fault her! (Katina, you can click here to replace that glass.) By the way, I think we’re both pretty fantastic actresses. Someone tweet this to @Spielberg please and thank you.

Are you planning to propose next week on Valentine’s Day, but just haven’t found the right way to incorporate your love of Pizza Hut into your pledge of eternal loving commitment? YOU ARE IN LUCK, Sir or Madam! Pizza Hut is currently offering a “Tie The Knot With The Dinner Box” package, where customers can purchase a ruby ring and an evening of elegance AND a $10 Dinner Box (also elegant) for the slightly-steep-for-Huts-that-serve-pizza cost of $10,010: For $10,010, Customers Get: A Red Ruby Ring, Limo Service, Flowers, Fireworks Show, Videographer, Photographer, and a $10 Dinner Box. Other than the ring being made of ruby instead of being made of another dinner box, I see absolutely nothing wrong with this offer, and may in fact take them up on it and finally plan that proposal to myself (I like having leftovers). (via Eater)

Well, it’s happened: Lindsay Lohan has finally turned that corner. At the age of 25, it’s official: She looks worse than Woody Allen. And no one is more unimpressed than our favorite expressionless child-bride in New York, Soon-Yi Previn. Yes, Lindsay showed up at last night’s amFAR Gala dressed in all white and with a blonde hairstyle and bangs that, instead of covering up her exhaustion, service as a Photoshop “outer glow” helping to highlight how old she looks. Click to see a close-up on Lindsay’s look. SHE IS 25. But I’m not going to lie: I do enjoy the idea of Woody Allen thinking up excuses to get away from her. “Uh, Lindsay, gee, I’m, uh, so sorry. My, you know, I… I left the oven on in the apartment. Oh, I love to cook. Me? Oh. Big cook. Chef even.” Wow, even my written Woody Allen impression sucks. #newlow [Photos: Getty Images]

Ayyyyyayayayayayayay. Someone gave their rabbit a bath and he turned into Natalie Portman in Black Swan. Now, I’ve never owned a rabbit myself, so I don’t know the rules of their grooming habits. But according to many a-commenter over at Reddit, where the photo originated from, suggest that bathing your rabbit can cause really, really bad things to happen to it. I’m talking Gremlins bad. Now, I don’t want to bring up the “d” word in this post (death) because that photo is so cute why ruin it?! But just as a warning to the readers whom we care about dearly, don’t wash your rabbits, because you will get a cute internet photo out of it but they might get tiny pneumonia as a result. That being said HE SO SKINNY AND JUST WANTS TO SLOW DANCE. I will gladly warm him up in the hood of my sweatshirt and fill it with so many carrots this rabbit will actually start to worry that he really did drop d.

To everyone who’s ever been frustrated when your work email forces you to change your password every couple months, listen up, because this story is effing hilarious: Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has been under fire from world leaders to step down this week. He’s also under fire from hacktivist group Anonymous, who leaked hundreds of his office’s emails on Monday. While Anonymous is infamous for its hacking know-how, it doesn’t take a genius computer programmer to guess one of the passwords commonly used by Assad’s office accounts: 12345. The string of consecutive numbers is the second-weakest password according to a 2011 study. That’s right – the Syrian President’s office literally used “1-2-3-4-5″, the very same password infamously used by both King Roland and President Skroob in the movie Spaceballs as an example of a terrible password a quarter-century ago. Below, watch the Spaceballs “combination” scene, which seemed like an exaggeration of presidential stupidity at the time: Guess it’s too late for al-Assad to update that sucker to PASSWORD? (Thanks, Abby!)

1. First things first, you’re going to want to get yourself a cat. It helps if this cat looks like it’s from another planet, and doubly so if it was already born with a miserable face. Put a towel on his head to make sure he knows what is coming. It helps if you also run some bathwater out of the faucet and point to the cat, and then to the faucet. 2. Immerse your cat in water. Make sure the water is not too hot but definitely icy cold. Also support your little guy in the bucket so that it doesn’t drown. 3. I SAID SUPPORT HIM IN THE BUCKET. 4. Now, add soap to the water. Be sure to hold a delicious meat treat over the cats head to ensure his ears stay dry. 5. Throw the delicious treat in the garbage. This cat has a weight problem. We’ve been meaning to say something for a while now. 6. Rinse your little guy off and dry him with towel, making sure to get his ears. 7. Rinse your cat off, give him a good blow dry, and voila! Not only is your cat sparkling clean… he’s also really pissed. Well done! (via Reddit)

Here’s Patrick Stewart and Liam Neeson appearing on The Graham Norton Show for a showdown of eminently likeable veteran UK actors, to be settled the only way a Picard / Qui-Gon battle could be: By figuring out which actor has the cooler action figure. There’s something extra-amusing about having two highly accomplished serious actors on the same show only to spend the time playing with 10-year-old plastic toys. It’s just surreal that you can all now witness my recurring dream when I was 13 about me and Captain Picard playing with action figures: Best part of the video? The Patrick Stewart double-face-palm:

I don’t want anyone to panic. Just, take your seats, relax, calm down. But I should probably tell you: I forgot about Michael Phelps’s face for a second. The man has a body of a god. A dolphin god. One with flipper feet and hands that could turn any sandwich into a panini in under 30 seconds. So kudos to Head & Shoulders dandruff shampoo for picking 14-time gold medalist (!!!) Phelps to be the body of their new campaign. And my oh my, what a body this man has. It’s like one of those 3-D paintings, where if you stare at it long enough, other forms start to appear. And if you stare really long, you can almost see the wilting Beauty And The Beast rose. Also kudos to Head & Shouldersfor having the brilliance for allowing him to lather up and shower for our viewing pleasure. It’s completely not creepy at all but you should probably scroll through it on your own, pretending he’s beside you. In the darkness, you’ll feel his arms around you. And when you lose your way you’ll close your eyes and he has found you. Let’s watch him take a shower together, yes? Here he is putting dandruff shampoo into his pizza paddle hands: Now he’s lathering up, completely unaware of the cameras… He actually looks kind of handsome here. (I’ve been doing a tequila shot for every photo, FYI.) Now, the rinse: GOD I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL THE SUMMER OLYMPICS EVERYONE. [Photos: Getty]

(Mugshot via DListed – thanks to @swalks!) Today might seem like any other day to you. But to human grizzly bear Nick Nolte, today marks the 71st year of his existence on Earth. And all things considered, he looks like your average 71 year old man who has lived at once both the easiest and roughest life one can hope for. Looking at Nolte now, it’s hard to imagine that there was a tie where he was HOT AS SH*T. Oh… but there was. Back in the day, Nolte could get it. In fact, he could pretty much get it up untillll 1994′s I Love Trouble. (Also, I hear what you’re saying right now, and yes, even hot homeless Nick Nolte in Down And Out In Beverly Hills could get it.) Sure, these days Nick Nolte looks like something I would find on my foot after a hike, but guys, it’s his birthday! Let’s remember the good young days, when his jeans were tight and his mustache barely combed. So to wish him a Happy 71st, we bring you 7 Photos of Sizzling Hot Young Nick Nolte + 1 Bonus Photo. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICK NOLTE! [Photo: Getty Images]

It was only a matter of time – Obama Condoms, meet Mitt Romney Condoms: Nice job, people who manufactured this – like the Obama condoms, it’s definitely a useful thing that people will regularly use and isn’t just to make tourists in Times Square giggle and get blogs to link to it and make fun of it (oops!) Hehehe…boners. Still, I think we can all agree: When you think about f***ing and unrestricted access to instruments of birth control, the first thing you think of is Mitt Romney’s NBA-Jam-sized cartoon face. At least I do.

With all the anxiety, frustration, and sadness that accompanies the end of football season (that new Madonna song is STILL stuck in my head), let’s bid farewell to the 2011-12 NFL Year on a – ugghhh this is hard – positive note. Swallowing our pride and our own football disappointments, let’s all bask in this list of 5 Very Adorable Photos From The Giants’ Victory Parade (Click Any For Full Size): 1. No relation to Sir Not Appearing In This Film. 2. Truly our generation’s Willow Smith. 3. Those kids are enjoying that fence more than we’ve enjoyed anything in 10 years (besides Breaking Bad) 4. Symbolic of drifting adolescence, or something. 5. Still nothing more adorable than very thinly-stretched pun signs, and there never will be. Bonus: One scary-ass fan too, just so we don’t wrap things up too positively. Farewell, NFL Season! I can’t wait to resume spending my Sundays productively by re-reading my own old Tweets every week from 1-7:30 pm. Just kidding! I do it til like 3 am. (Pics via Getty Images)

How does your cat go to the toilet? Because if it’s anything as dignified as this cat, sounds to me like your cat could easily be elected to PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. Look at how handsome this guy is. How evolved. I can almost picture Robert Redford using the facilities in much the same way, maybe while reading the United States Constitution. But if you think this cat looks classy now, just wait until you see what he looks like when dressed up like the Monopoly Man, ahead. Yes, the brilliant users at Reddit decided this little guy didn’t seem fully finished without the classic accessories a dandy cat such as this deserves. Monocle… top hat… Professor’s Bow Tie. But really, I have never seen anything this classy in my whole life. Get this little bastard some mustard, stat. (via Reddit)

Dlisted provides this GIF from last night’s premiere of The River on ABC. It requires no context: Nothing to see here, just some sort of doll lady during around PSYCHE NAWW IT’S A MONKEY RAWWWRRRRR!!! You got MONKEYFACED’D!! I’ve seen a million ads for The River and had tuned them out to this point (I usually don’t start watching a show until it’s at least 1 1/2 season in and I’ve heard from at least two regular friends, two work friends, and the internet that I NEED to see it), but a little monkey mask goes a long way, and now I’m intrigued. Does this happen in every episode? Can I get some sort of guarantee that this and/or something comparably hilarious will definitely happen? Cause I’m not watching this thing if it’s not very good or very bad, and none of us have any use for an ‘ok’ tv show when there’s like 17 must-see things we need to catch up on at any given time. The last thing I need in my life is, like, NCIS: Notmonkeyface. Deal?

Jake Gyllenhaal was spotted looking handsome when arriving at the Tegel International Airport in Berlin, Germany. But what’s that we see? In his hand? Looks like a tiny yellow floral bouquet. Hmm… where could Jake have picked up such a delicate gathering of flora? Just who could have handed him such a gentle yet manly arrangement? You will never believe the answer… find out ahead. IT WAS THIS RANDOM OLD MAN Splash News doesn’t identify who this man is, so we can only assume the obvious: This is Jake’s #1 German fan and clearly not anyone related to him. Good news for both parties… looks like the flowers worked: CUTE.

Here Is Every Single 2012 Academy Award Nominee In One Photo Click To Enlarge As the incomparable Richard Lawson put it, it’s like a fun celebrity version of “Where’s Waldo Minute Kristen Wiig.” Click on the above version to count up how many of the nominees you can recognize. I counted 21 plus the Gold Man himself. I also gave myself a headache looking at it. Win/win! Those of you too lazy/blind to go through the entire list, we’ll save you the trouble and post the only thing worth noting: NICK NOLTE.

Here’s a flier for a “Learn To Speak English” meetup in Tel Aviv, Israel, featuring the most attention-grabbing and wholly appropriate movie reference on the subject: Attention gotten! I can’t read the Hebrew part, but I’m pretty sure this is designed teach you English. Or it might be a meetup to casually discuss the differences between Israeli and American McDonald’s, I can’t really tell. You know in Israel, they call it a “Royale With No Cheese”. The NSFW version is after the jump if you need it, motherf- sorry, sorry: (via This Facebook Page, obviously)

The internet is such a vast vacuum of opinion and information, many times it feels like an endless succubus of time and energy. But once in a rare while, the winds of trend will meet in the middle of these infinite digital abyss and form something truly special. This is one of those times. Here is Lana Del Rey’s “Hunger Games” as performed by Holly Laurent. It proves a few things: 1. Almost anyone can sound like Lana Del Rey if they put they’re mind to it. 2. I want to legitimately listen to this song on my personal music listening device, and I don’t care if you judge me.* 3. A pita is a pouch of bread, but that’s his name. 4. *Of course I care. (The Fab Life has got all the lyrics, for those interested.)

Here’s a short clip of director and best-voice-ever-haver Werner Herzog just completely laying into chickens for being stupid. It is equal parts hilarious, random, and sounds automatically deep and philosophical because that’s just what you’re used to hearing in that voice (when it’s not reading vulgar childrens’ books). Chickens – prepare to be HERZOGGDEDED. Can we get this guy on the next Comedy Central Roast? “The enormity of Jeff Ross’ stupiditee is just oahvahwelming…” I deliberately avoided looking up the context for this clip, cause it’s so much better on its own. I assume it’s some weird inappropriate tangent from Into The Abyss, his crushing documentary about death row inmates and the families of their victims. (via Best Roof Talk Ever – no relation)

Here is Beyonce at the after-party for husband and baby daddy Jay-Z’s Carnegie Hall show last night. It’s the first time we’ve seen her since she “had” the “baby.” I’m kidding, of course, she “did” have the baby! And she looks stunning. It’s a look that combined some flattering ruching with a side of Tom Spanx. But seriously… did she stuff her underwear with some extra padding RuPaul style to pull of that fit mama look? I mean, I can gain 10 pounds in 2 days if the price was right. (That price being zero dollars.) In other words, let the conspiracy theories begin! HOW DOES THIS WOMAN LOOK THIS GOOD? Another photo ahead. She’s certainly glowing!

…Because we have to chase him. He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he’s not our hero… he’s a silent guardian, a watchful protector… a Dark Knight. Also he is a potato and you can pop his limbs off and it’s super fun. Behold, Gotham’s morally ambiguous starchy protector, The Dark Knight Spud: Intimidating! The Potato-Head-ified Dark Knight is currently selling for $17.99 online, which is a steal for something that so perfectly captures everything about the Christopher Nolan / Christian Bale Batman, right down to that cartoony diagonal smile that Batman is literally making nonstop throughout both films. Now we just need to slip Potato Head into The Dark Knight Rises and we’ve got a crossover hit: (Bleeding Cool, via The Daily What)

BAFTA is an acronym that stands for The Oscars Of England The British Academy of Film and Television Arts, and this Sunday, they’ll be giving out their film and TV annual awards in London (with Miss Piggy presiding as the red carpet host). To prep for the ceremony and perfect the celebrity seating arrangement, BAFTA organizers have created a giant Guess Who? gameboard in the audience. So, for example: “Does your person have short orange hair? Yes. Does your person look like a heavenly iridescent gecko? Yes. Is it Tilda Swinton?” “Does your person have a beard? No. Does your person exude sexual lightning boats from his tip? Yes. Does your person visit me nightly in my dreams, while stroking the sweat off my forehead and cradling me close to his heartbeat, softly singing Whitney Houston’s ‘I Wanna Dance With Somebody’ in my ear? Um… Is it Brad Pitt?” You get the idea! Now you play!

Readers of this blog and humans living on planet Earth should now be plenty familiar with Billy Eichner, he of Funny or Die and Fuse fame, the gentleman that screams at random people on the street, sometimes gives them money, and always makes America fall in love with him. Well this weekend, on behalf of Conan O’Brien and TBS, Billy headed over to Indianapolis to find out the general “street temperature” (not a thing) on Madonna, High Empress Of Halftime. It’s kind of a shame that these words even have to go before this video, because honestly, it’s wasting valuable blog space when really all anyone cares about is watching Billy scream at regular people, Giants cheerleaders, and eventually, SUPERBOWL WINNERS the NY GIANTS themselves. Billy Eichner is brilliant and I bet also has a beautiful singing voice. Enjoy.

I often tell the personal trainer who doesn’t come over to my house because he is fiction, “You know who I want to look like? The poster boy for the Bodies Exhibit. Lean, fit, healthy… that guy is allllright.” I then look in the mirror and realize I’ve Mrs. Doubtfired my face in mashed potatoes again and Thanksgiving is ruined. Point is, if only there was a way to look like the Bodies Exhibit corpses without actually dying in China 2,000 years ago. And now… there is. Australian clothing store Black Milk Clothing is offering up these muscles leggings for a cool 75 Australian dollars, a bargain, when you consider how expensive it is to get live-skinned these days. The best part about these leggings? They completely mask camel toe: That’s a miracle of some sort of Lindsay Lohan science. (via Buzzfeed)

As part of the resurrected “I’m going to Disney World!” Super Bowl tradition, Super Bowl XLVI MVP Eli Manning spent Monday at Walt Disney World hobnobbing with Mickey, Minnie, and a group of children. We’ve all joked in the past about how much Eli Manning looks like a large child, but these photos basically exaggerate that assertion to the point of not even being a joke anymore, as Manning appears to be the one Super Bowl winner who’d also just be at Disney World anyway. Keep an eye out for the awesome Mickey & Minnie Giants-knockoff jerseys. “Congrats on the big win, Yorktown Largies!!!” (Click Any Pic For Full Size): 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.