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In case you were worried, fear not: we're back with another episode of Celebracadabra! I haven't decided yet if I love this show or not, mostly since the celebrities are kind of unknown to me, but maybe that's the joy of it. These people want you to know them for doing bad magic tricks! It really doesn't get any better than that!
We've been walking all day. Are we gonna get there soon?
"How long?"
"I don't know. I've been following him."
"What? What do you mean, you've been following him?"
"I'm not even in front."
"I have no idea where the cabin is. Hugo's the last one who saw it."
"Oh, this is just awesome."
"Oh, a wise guy, eh? nyuk, nyuk, nyuk."
Ladies and Gentlemen... Dancing with the Stars celebrates it's 100th epidsode!!! Let the trumpets sound! Let the crowds cheer! Poets will speak of this day in years to come... or just Paula Abdul - who says "Happy 100th Episode, Dancing with the Stars (awkward pause) - the most amazing show---" And they cut her off!!! HAHAHAHA! What fucking retarded thing must she have said?! GOD I wish THAT walking pill dumpster was on this show!
If you remember what happened on the last episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, I pity you. I also pity myself because it's still relatively fresh in my memory. So just to recap Kim was a bitch, Khloe was a bitch, Kourtney was kind of a bitch and Kris did her best to stay out of it.
"Everyone's Meeeean To Meeeeee!" a Lifetime Original Movie
Anybody out there?
Is there an echo in here? Am I the only one still watching this thing? Okay. So things at Paradise Hotel haven't been the same without the excitement of body shots, government metaphors, and awesome underdogs like Charla and the Barbies ruled the roost, but we're sticking this thing through till the finish, right? So today I present a special image-driven recap, partly because I myself am over it, but mostly because it just amused me. Welcome to Internet Sensation Paradise. Don't let your children read this.
Jessie Spano-grade Excitement
This week on Top Chef, the chefs compete in two all-time favorite challenges while both old (Twitch v. Richard, Fleasa v. soap) and new (Dale v. Evangelass) rivalries emerge.
"I only married you for your money!"
"I know. And once those start to sag, I'm trading you in for a younger model."
Hola Chicos,
This week we get all kinds of psycho-drama with our past-life regressing, genital switching, chihuahua loving contestants. It's definitely a chow down, face stuffing week, so grab your booze and chips and take the jump...
My husband thinks he's a chihuahua. A chihuahua, I tell you.
This week on American Idol, Yoko got another free plug and I ate over 10,000 depression calories. Thanks, Nigel!
Being rich means never having to say you'll practice proper hair maintenance.
Hello dolls and welcome back to the Real Word Hollywood! On tonight's Pre-True Hollywood Story, a young man in search of fake reality show fame moves to Hollywood. He rides the heady wave Real World notoriety - VIP status at sparsely attended dive bars on Hollywood Blvd., women with weaves of synthetic yellow, drinking Brandy over ice in plastic cups with his worldly Ohio-bred roommate. But the harsh glare of the cameras following him 24-7 quickly begins to destroy him. Really quickly. Like, in three weeks. See how this brave, reality show actor broke barriers by bringing prepared, Oscar-quality teary monologues to his show. See how he almost lost it all over the pressures of being twenty-four and living rent-free. With a gym. See how it all began...
You have so much promise! If only you could cry...
Quick! The women are telling all!
Lots happened last week on Ugly Betty...but the most important thing (in my mind) is that something is going to catch on fire this week. Hope it's not the Suarez Hacienda, but I'm loving the drama. Let the crazy begin!
"It's 2 o'clock in the morning, that gives us 5 hours until your next meeting." Whoa, does Betty work in my department, because that sounds familiar.
"How can you sound so chipper, we've been up until 2am for the last 5 nights?" If you've been up until 2am five nights in a row, you're chipper because you are crazy and running on fumes. Trust me. Betty is all excited because if it's past midnight, Mode pays to send her home in a town car which is "pretty cool" they have free water. I would have thought the safety of not being attacked would have been the cool part. She tells Daniel to stay away from the mini-bar. Thank God he's sober this season.
Betty's getting another call...check caller ID, girl! She clicks over and "BETTY!" Screams Crazy Town Renee. "Daniel isn't home yet and I'm worried." How about trying his phone, psycho stalker? Betty tells her she has him on the other line and Renee demands to be put through to him. Can you do that with a cell phone? Mine is from 2000 - doesn't even have a colored screen, people. Betty wants to go over his schedule with him first, but Renee's all about the crazy now, and she must speak to him RIGHT NOW. Betty conferences Daniel in.
Not the three-way Betty was hoping for!
You know how on every show, the episode after a big shitstorm episode nothing really happens? Sort of a breather, a catch-up episode? I wanted to say that tonight's show was one of those... only not enough happened last week to classify it as such. Just the same level-5 drama we've come to expect. I don't know how it happened, but I actually missed Kelly Cutrone. But it's okay, still plenty of shit to make fun of. Join us, won't you, for another half hour of our heroines bobbling around in flowy dresses that don't show off their well-earned (or bought) bodies and makeup-addled faces? Welcome to The Hills, y'all!
This week on Dancing with the Stars we recover from last weeks high drama (injuries and prom queens gone mad!!) - and jump right into ballroom! And this week dancers are allowed ONE LIFT! Ladies and Gentlemen - prepare yourselves for bloodshed!
I love ballroom night! Everyone's all dressed up - with careers that have no place to go. And just look at this line up! Asian, White, Black, Latino - it's like a dancing United Colors of Benetton ad! Apparently it's true - white men cannot dance. Well - especially if they're as fat and/or retarded as this year's selection was.
This week on Gossip Girl, we finally get the answers to who is gay, and what dirt Georgina has on Serena. While one of the answers a lot of us saw coming, the other one is a truly jaw-dropping moment (hint: it's not the answer to who's gay).
"I'm confused... then which one is it?"
Breaking News: Broadway still flamingly gay
Reality gets turned on its head this week. Straight Men give better musical theatre action than the gay boys and Mean Gay isn't even the most annoying one in the house. What is happening on Step It Up and Dance? Nomi is either doing some voodoo with those eyes or those straight boys aren't as butch that they claim to be...Let's find out on Step It Up and Dance!
That's right ladies and gentlemen. Among several other things that happened this week, Dr. Jack tried oversee his own appendectomy.
Um...Jack?
In the history of bad ideas, watching your own abdominal surgery in a mirror under primitive conditions falls somewhere between "Cop Rock", letting Joel Schumacher direct a Batman movie and invading Russia in the winter time.
Tilt the mirror, you little biatch!
